Funny Quotes from Famous People - II

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are some more mostly funny quotes from mostly famous people:

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. –Mae West

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did. –Bette Davis
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. –Mark Twain

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. –Fred Allen

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. –P.J O’Rourke

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. –Steven Wright

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. -Hesiod

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. –Jay Leno

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. –Robert Benchly

Electricity is really just organized lightning. –George Carlin

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. –Jerry Lewis

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. –P.J. O’Rourke

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. –Milton Berle

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. –Victor Hugo

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. –Bill Cosby

Food is an important part of a balanced diet. –Fran Lebowitz

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. –Cathy Guiswite

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. –Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. –Mark Twain

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. –Naguib Maufouz

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Best Late Night Joke of the Week - 02/25/11

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

 

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman:

A British airline is apologizing to Jewish passengers on a flight from Israel where the only food was ham melts and bacon baguettes.The Jewish passengers couldn't eat it because it was pork. The other passengers couldn't eat it because it was British food. –Jay Leno

George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.-Conan O’Brien

A year ago Michelle Obama started her campaign to end childhood obesity called "Let's Move."I think Americans have been very clear in their answer, "No." –Jimmy Fallon

A Russian airline is hiring clowns, actors and musicians to entertain passengers during flights. When I'm on a stuffy plane with crying babies, my first thought always is, "There should be clowns here." -Jimmy Fallon

Police arrested three men in Malaysia for stealing over 700,000 condoms. Police described the suspects as "overly optimistic." – Conan O’Brien

Bill Clinton recently revealed that he only sent two e-mails while he was President. Then he added, "And it turns out those pills are just a scam." –Jimmy Fallon

Presidents Day is being celebrated across the country. Shouldn't we also have a day for Congress? When they can kick back and not worry about getting anything done. Oh wait... –Craig Ferguson

The king of Saudi Arabia announced that he is giving his people $37 billion in subsidies and payments. It’s not a stimulus package, it’s a “don’t overthrow me” package. –Jay Leno

Economists say that with all this unrest, gas prices could rise to $5 a gallon. The good news is that instead of this money going to ruthless America-hating dictators, it will go to ruthless America-hating democracies. –Jay Leno

Boeing has unveiled the new 787, the longest passenger plane in the world. It seats 500 passengers comfortably — or 2,800 passengers uncomfortably. –Jay Leno

There’s a proposal in San Francisco to ban circumcision. Apparently, the proposal has the support of 100 percent of newborn males. –Jay Leno

A new poll shows that Donald Trump could beat President Obama in 2012. The poll was taken by Trump Polls International. –Conan O’Brien

A Japanese tech company is developing a wristwatch device to help seniors monitor their health. They say it’s a vast improvement from what they used to use: a countdown clock. –Conan O’Brien

Larry King announced that he’ll do a national stand-up comedy tour. It will be called the “Almost Def Comedy Jam.” –Conan O’Brien

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. He said he wants to keep prostitution where it belongs — in Washington, D.C. –Jimmy Fallon

The budget airline EasyJet apologized to Jewish passengers for only serving pork on a flight to Israel. Still, that wasn’t nearly as bad as their in-flight entertainment: a Mel Gibson double feature. –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Presidents Day. Or, as it's being called in the Middle East, Happy Overthrow Your Presidents Day." –Conan O'Brien

"Yemen's president says that despite protests, he won't leave office. His exact words were, 'The Oscars are Sunday, I have a widescreen TV at the palace. You do the math.'" –Conan O'Brien

"They're calling the Middle East uprisings the 'Jasmine Revolution.' Historians say it's the first revolution that could double as a new scent of Febreze." –Conan O'Brien

"They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes him the last president to do anything about the debt." –David Letterman

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A Lack of Support with Tech Support

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That"  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Recently, I had a reason to call tech support about an issue with a new computer component I had bought.  To say they did not provide support would be offering them the supreme compliment.  More accurately, though, they were the exact opposite of support.  If the support they gave me was like a jock strap, after I was done with them my testicles would have been hanging down to my knees.  For a woman if they were a bra, when they were done her breasts would be down at her waist. (You probably got the idea after the jock strap example; I just felt a need to mention breasts.)

I don’t think I’ll be calling any tech support people for a while unless I’m in the mood to destroy something and I feel I need some motivation to get the job done.

When I started out there were four other computers in the house that were working.  With the help of tech support at the end of a frustrating hour and a half phone call we managed to knock out those computers and my own, accidentally ordered 6 pizzas on line and nearly starting a new World War.  Maybe not that but I did want to declare war on that company for letting this guy work there.

I have to take some of the blame too because I should have caught on after the third time that this evil genius went to ask his manager what to do that this guy had a lot more evil to him than genius.  To be fair it may not have been as much evil as stupid.  Next time I’ll be leery when tech support needs to ask their tech support how to do something.

My next clue to hang up immediately without asking anymore questions was when I asked him what do I do with this brown thing and he said, “Oh, you mean the doohickey?”

I did learn something, besides not to call tech support anymore, and that was that tech support personnel do not know how to deal with customers when they have near death experiences.  While I was gasping for air all he could suggest was that I restart.  And he didn’t mean the computer.  He wanted me to restart by calling someone else and leave him alone.  I would have been happy to do that except I didn’t want to call another tech support guy and find out that I was on some kind of tech support candid camera.  I was already afraid I had made the list of most gullible customers that they all joke and laugh about while they sit around watching Star Trek repeats on their break.

When the other computer operators in my house found out what happened you could say I was not a popular person.  The story ended well though when we paid an actual computer expert to fix things up.  Afterward I heard my girlfriend say that she actually learned a lot from seeing how it got fixed.  So I said, “So you could say that what I did was actually a good thing then.”…And I was so close to being out of the doghouse.  Like tech support, I need to learn when to stop talking.

darnfunnyonline.com

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Funny Quotes from Famous People

(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That" is available on the web site darnfunnyonline.com for only $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right away!)

Here are some very funny quotes by a variety of famous people, some comedians and some not:

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. -Groucho Marx

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. -Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -George Bernard Shaw

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. -Bob Hope

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. -Kevin Nealon

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. -Yogi Berra

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas." -Claude Peppers

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. -Lana Turner

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. -Jerry Seinfeld

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. -Bill Cosby

All men are equal before fish. -Herbert Hoover

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. -Casey Stengel

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. -Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. -Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. -Groucho Marx

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. -Buddy Hackett

Be obscure clearly. -E. B. White

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. -P. J. O’Rourke

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. -Jim Carrey

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 02/22/11

Here are some funny observations made over the last week from watching the news and current events:

President Obama accidentally dropped an “S-bomb” at a press conference last week.  Joe Biden commented, “That’s a start but he’s got a way to go until he gets into my league.”

Last week it had been reported that O. J. Simpson was badly beaten in prison after he was bragging about his sexual exploits.  Upon hearing about it Bill Clinton and John Edwards immediately got onto the Internet and googled the word “Karma” in hopes of finding a loophole.

Last week Hillary Clinton urged Bahrain to show restraint in dealing with anti-government protesters.  She figured it worked so well telling Bill to show restraint that now she was going to try it with a country.

Charlie Sheen recently offered Lindsay Lohan life advice.  That’s like the Burger King mascot King telling Ronald McDonald to stay away from fast food.

Charlie Sheen also told TMZ that he is willing to work weekends and beyond the wrap date to finish the season of Two and a Half Men.  He does need the money.  After all, drugs, sex and hookers are not free, you know.

A TSA worker was arrested for stealing thousands of dollars from a flier.  I guess that flier won’t be hiding money in his shorts anymore.

In Malaysia, police arrested three men for stealing 750,000 condoms.  Wow!  They must have had some weekend planned!

A congressman proposed legislation that would eliminate funding for Obama’s teleprompter.  That would have been cruel.  It would be like cutting out his tongue.

Finally, in Egypt, a father named his baby girl Facebook.  Luckily for the girl her dad was not also a big fan of Twitter or the girl may have ended up with the name TwitFace.

darnfunnyonline.com

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More Funny Quotes from Mae West

Here are some are some more funny quotes from Mae West and some have quite a lot of truth as well.  She was an American actress from 1893-1980 and she was definitely ahead of her time:

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.

It ain't no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don't break any.

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.

It takes two to get one in trouble.

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.

Look your best - who said love is blind?

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.

Love isn't an emotion or an instinct - it's an art.

Love thy neighbor - and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

One and one is two, and two and two is four, and five will get you ten if you know how to work it.

Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman a ring.

Personality is the glitter that sends your little gleam across the footlights and the orchestra pit into that big black space where the audience is.

Personality is the most important thing to an actress's success.

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain.

Sex is emotion in motion.

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
The score never interested me, only the game.

Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.

To err is human, but it feels divine.

Too much of a good thing can be taxing.

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

darnfunnyonline.com

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 02/18/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

"On Thursday Hosni Mubarak said he would not leave Egypt until he was dead. On Friday the crowd said, 'Deal!' So he fled." –Jay Leno

"First lady Michelle Obama told 'Regis & Kelly' she was expecting jewelry on Valentine's Day. She said it wouldn't be anything extravagant because Barack tends to be responsible when he's spending his own money." –Jay Leno

"Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen." –Jay Leno

"Breast feeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breast feeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, "What? I'm looking at the baby." –Conan O'Brien

"Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is thinking of moving to Los Angeles. Before you get him a roommate, just know that he's really hard to evict." –Conan O'Brien

"Hosni Mubarak reportedly didn't understand the Internet and social networking. That may be true, but somehow he figured out how to wire $80 billion to Switzerland." –David Letterman

"The New York Times says new cars will no longer be equipped with cassette players. Come on, it's 2011. People still read newspapers?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said that he's not a fan of George W. Bush because he 'gave us Obama.' When he heard this, Bush was like, 'Oh my gosh. I'm Obama's dad?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama unveiled his new budget, including $1 trillion in spending cuts, which Obama called the most painful choice he's ever made. Then he looked over at Joe Biden and said, 'OK, 2nd most painful choice.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Egyptian officials say that Hosni Mubarak is going through a 'severe psychological condition.' It's called 'getting dumped a week before Valentine's Day.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Representative Chris Lee was forced to resign after sending a shirtless picture of himself to a woman on Craigslist. On the bright side, he did surprise his wife for Valentines Day." –Conan O'Brien

"This is the start of New York's Fashion Week. I just talked with N.Y. Congressman Chris Lee, and the told me shirts are totally out this season. He was married and looking for dates on Craigslist by sending shirtless photos of himself. He listed his marital status as divorced. But in fairness, he's about to be." –Jimmy Fallon

"Egypt's President Mubarak finally resigned. When they heard that a Muslim president stepped down, the Tea Party said, 'Obama's leaving?'" –Jay Leno

"Keith Olbermann has a new job on Al Gore's Current TV as an investigative reporter. His job will be to find anyone that watches Current TV." –Jay Leno

It’s the 40th anniversary of the War on Drugs. Today, California surrendered. –Jay Leno

Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran. –Jay Leno

History was made at the Westminster dog show when one of the finalists was a dog from China. The dog listed his proudest accomplishment as not being eaten. –Conan O’Brien

Big Bird appeared on Capitol Hill to appeal for more funding for PBS. Apparently, times are so bad for Big Bird that he had to rent his egg to Lady Gaga. - Conan O’Brien

Borders has filed for bankruptcy. Now, creditors can’t collect debts from Borders, but they can duck in any time to use its bathroom. - Conan O’Brien

A pizza parlor has been closed after police found more than $1 million in marijuana there. Police became suspicious when they promised delivery in 30 days or less. - Conan O’Brien

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Another Day Lost at the DMV

Last April I had to go to the DMV to get my driver’s license renewed.  I wrote an article for darnfunnyonline.com at the time, chronically that nightmare.  In January I moved to California and once again I had to go to the DMV, this time in California.  The DMV is never fun but California’s DMV makes Nevada’s look like Paradise.  Besides, no one should have to go to the DMV more than once in less than a year. That should be classified as cruel and unusual punishment.

My day started off trying to find a parking space in a lot that is about one quarter of the size it should be.  Luckily, the parking space fairy was on my side that day because I only had to cruise around for about five minutes before I was able to beat another driver to a spot.  He was a good sport about it though because he gave me a hearty wave as he drove away.  Although, I think he must have hurt his hand earlier because his middle finger was sticking out as he waved.  I felt sorry for him and gave a nice wave back.

Next, I had to deal with an unusual (euphemism for psycho) security guard.  I wasn’t sure I was at the right place so I walked over to his side and asked him if I was.  He stared straight ahead and answered in a strange psycho-like monotone voice, “Do you think you’re in the right place?”

I looked around to see if he was talking to someone other than me.  Satisfied there was no one else (he actually could have been talking to an invisible guy now that I think of it) I said, “I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you.”

Then he said curtly, “Ask one of them,” pointing to other customers.

Exasperated I replied, “They don’t work here they are customers like me.”

Then as he slowly turned his head and glared at me (at least he finally looked at me) I knew this was a good time to leave.  After all, he had a gun.  So I slowly backed away until I felt it was safe to run, which I did.

After standing in several more lines I finally got to the point where they took my picture for my driver’s license.  When I got to see the picture I was positive I had been trapped in a time warp and I was now 80 years old.  I don’t know how they do it but I’m pretty sure they have a way of gathering up all of the wrinkles, age spots and other disfiguring marks on a face that have been photos shopped out of pictures and put them into the DMV camera that then go onto the driver’s license pictures.

Next, much to my surprise I had to take a written driver’s test.  They don’t make new people to Nevada do that.  There the driving laws are whatever you can get away with.  Anyway, after answering questions like, “If there is a double yellow line in the middle of the road and orange cones on the side of the road and the traffic light just turned red how much to you have to pay to bribe the cop to not give you a speeding ticket.”  I passed the test.  You are allowed to miss 6 questions and that’s what I did so grading on a curve I had a perfect score.

Finally, I had only one more obstacle before I could finish my day in hell.  I had to get my car a smog test.  Not surprisingly, it costs twice as much for a smog test in California than it does in Nevada.  That’s a concept I’m getting used to quickly.

At last I was done.  I’m guessing this whole ordeal was some weird sort of initiation test to see if they’ll let me stay in California.  I apparently passed because they let me have a license.  Now I just have to find out how much to bribe the cop because I missed that question on the test.

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Funny Quotes from Mae West

Here are some funny quotes from Mae West, (mostly funny, some are just truisms) American actress from 1893-1980, and she was definitely ahead of her time:

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up.

A hard man is good to find.

A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.

Any time you've got nothing to do and lots of time to do it come on up.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.

Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

He who hesitates is a damned fool.

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.

His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork.

I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.

I believe that it's better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked.

I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported.

I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them.

I speak two languages, Body and English.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 02/14/11

Here are some funny observations from watching the news and seeing the currents events over the last week:

The TSA pat-down guys want to unionize.  They will be in the same union as the girls who do massages with a happy ending.

Michelle Obama has been on the campaign to reduce childhood obesity now for one year.  The program is called Let’s Move!”  The Secret Service code word for the program is called Humpty Dumpty.

In a small town in Kentucky a dog was elected mayor.  That’s very unusual.  Usually when we think of politicians being an animal it’s more like a jackass or weasel.

An Italian couple was accused of using a stick of butter as a murder weapon.  There are even more discreet methods for murder than that one.  For example, no one even knows how many people Al Gore has killed by boring them to death.

Christina Aguilera’s divorce details are coming out.  Apparently, her husband is still holding a grudge because when she said her wedding vows she accidentally said his name wrong.

President Obama unveiled his new $3.73 trillion spending plan.  It would have even been higher but he took new hair plugs for Joe Biden out of the budget.

Barbie and Ken dolls just spent their 43^rd Valentine’s Day together.  In fact, Ken is getting so old he had to contact the Obama administration to see if they could give him any advice on a stimulus plan.  He said after 43 years together it’s just not that easy to get stimulated anymore.

Valentine’s Day was also National Condom Day.  To me that sounds like a bigger cover-up going on than Nixon had with Watergate, which was also about covering up a Dick.

There was a report this week that Apple is working on a cheaper iPhone.  I’d just like to see them work on an iPhone that can make and receive calls.

Starbucks is jumping into the market for single service coffee machines like the Keurig K-cup brewing system.  For men, it would be a lot more appealing if it was a D-cup.

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Valentine's Day Humor and Fun Stuff

Here is are various jokes and humor for Valentine's Day that was sent to me or I found:

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman at the bar. After a long struggle with his shyness, he finally managed to walk over to her and asked her politely, "Um, would you mind if I give you company?" She made a furious face and yelled at the top of her lungs, "How dare you asked me to sleep with you tonight?" Everyone in the pub started staring at the man who was completely embarrassed. After a few minutes, woman walked over to him and apologized - "You see I am a student of psychology and studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. I am sorry but I was just doing my experiment!" The young man suddenly gave a loud yell, "What do you mean $200?"

Here's a list of what NOT to give her for Valentines Day:
1.  A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the carmel ones.
2.  Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model.
3.  Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
4.  Any food item with the words "diet", "light",  or "high fiber" on the label.
5.  Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Jenna Jameson.
6.  Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
7.  Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
8.  Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
9.  Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
10.  A gift certificate.
11.  Cash.
12.  Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
13.  An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

Valentine's Day Scorecard for Guys---  How did you rate?

1) SIMPLE DUTIES
You go out to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her cat: -10

2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And it's not really your underwear: -15

4) HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

5) THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Detroit: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200

7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU
You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25

8) DRIVING
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

9) COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression:+20
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television:+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 02/11/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson:

"Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as 'Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Joe Biden announced plans for a $53 billion train system. To offset the cost, they're raising the price of a train ticket to $53 billion." –Craig Ferguson

"Vice presidents love technology: Joe Biden with the trains, Al Gore with the Internet, and Dick Cheney with the electric torture clamps." –Craig Ferguson

"The literary world has been abuzz after Bristol Palin released a 304-page memoir. At her age, it's not called a memoir, it's called a diary." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Nancy Pelosi described Justin Bieber as 'adorable but also substantial,' while Justin Bieber described Nancy Pelosi as 'court ordered to maintain a distance of 300 feet at all times.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is the richest man in the world, with more than $70 billion in hidden assets. That will go up even more once his unemployment kicks in." –Jimmy Fallon

"Prince William’s nightclub owner friend is said to be planning a wild bachelor party. It must be weird stuffing a bill in a stripper’s g-string when it has a picture of your grandmother on it." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone. It also raises the possibility of accidentally butt-dialing God." –Conan O'Brien

"The economics professor who helped craft President Obama's healthcare plan is going to explain that plan in a comic book. As a result, President Bush has now come out in favor of Obama's healthcare plan." –Conan O'Brien

"An Egyptian Google executive has become a hero to Egyptian protestors for a Facebook page he created. Still no luck selling his futon on Craigslist, though." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama urged private businesses to hire more workers. He didn't realize that only the government hires more people than it needs." –Jay Leno

"Washington, D.C. is updating its traffic cameras to enforce traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption laws?" –Jay Leno

"Keith Olbermann has a new show on Al Gore’s new network. I’m not saying the audience is small, but he begins his show with, Good evening, Al." –Jay Leno

"There was a power outage at Newark Airport. Who wants a TSA pat-down with the lights off?" –Jay Leno

"Peru has changed its national anthem. It wasn't too hard to change the lyrics. They just let Christina Aguilera sing it." –Jay Leno

"The head of Homeland Security told people at the game, if they saw anything not right give them a call. They got 50 million calls as soon as Christina Aguilera started singing the National Anthem. The good news, you can’t accuse her of lip syncing." –Jay Leno

"Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak told ABC news that he would like to step down from power immediately, but if he did, it could cause chaos in his country. Well, you would hate to see that happen." –Jay Leno

"Christina Aguilera sang the wrong words to 'The Star-Spangled Banner.' And even worse, the Black Eyed Peas sang their songs exactly right." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama had a Super Bowl party which featured food from both Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, which explains why he tested positive for diabetes the next morning." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend Dick Cheney declared Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak a good friend. Mubarak said, 'Dude, that's not really helping.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A lot of Americans are still trapped in Egypt. They're being advised to bring their own food and water to the airport. Also their own plane." –Conan O'Brien

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Discussing Relationships, Blah, Blah

(This is an article that I had written and posted at this exact time last year, just before Valentine's Day.  I thought it would be fun to post again and stir the male/female thing at this time of year.  And I was right, it is fun!!)

If you are a woman and you want to see a man instantly get a blank look on his face just ask him to discuss your relationship.  In fact, it just occurred to me that some women could use this as a ploy to not getting any protest just before she is about to go clothing shopping and spend a lot of money.

It would go like this.  She is already dressed and ready to walk out the door.  She sees her husband who is watching TV and engages the ploy.  “You know, honey, I would really like to talk about our relationship.  Can we do that now?”  He immediately goes into a trance, 90% real, 10% feigned in hopes that she will leave without another word.  She waits for a response she knows is not forthcoming.  “Not now?  Okay, maybe later.  I’m going to go shopping then.”  She walks out the door with a smile as she heads off to her guilt free shopping adventure.  After all, she did notify him.  He sits there still fixated in the trace for at least another ten minutes.  Not fair at all!

Eventually, these relationship discussions are inevitable though.  We can only avoid them for so long.  They usually go about like this: (We’ll skip the preliminary stuff and go right to the woman nagging, ‘er, I mean discussing.)

Woman:  I feel like you don’t pay enough attention to me, unless we’re having sex. (Author’s commentary here: truthfully, he may not have been paying that much attention then either.)  And when we’re at home together you are always watching sports or playing video games.

What the man actually heard during this conversation was, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sex.”  When he heard sex he suddenly felt alive…until she continued talking.  Then, again, he heard her say, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sports or playing video games.”  Again he perked up.  Suddenly he is hit with  panic.  He doesn’t know what she said.  Does she want to have sex with him now?  If that’s the case he doesn’t want to blow the opportunity.  Or maybe she was telling him she enjoys it when he watches sports or plays video games, in which case let’s get busy watching or playing.  He’s hoping she didn’t say she wanted to watch or play the games with him, please, not that.

Suddenly she breaks the awkward silence that he was too self possessed to realize was occurring.

Woman:  (Angrily) Well, are you going to say anything at all?

Man:  Uh…did you say that..uh…that, uh, you wanted to have sex?

Then he finds himself waking up moments later rubbing his blackened eye.

Occasionally, when a man is just talking with his spouse and he doesn’t consider that they are talking about their relationship he might say something that she considers to be very sweet and loving.  He didn’t know any better and said it inadvertently.

Nevertheless, he will get a lot of credit for this, which means nothing more than the woman will tell all of her closest girlfriends about it.  Actually, she’ll constantly be telling them things that he did, good or bad.  It’s part of a code that women have.  They are compelled to talk about relationships to each other.  It’s like a pact they sign when they reach womanhood.  It’s also necessary because we men are too shallow to do it.

Some men might be tempted to secretly listen in on one of these women sessions sometime.  But the fact is that all they’d ever really hear anyway is, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and then he wanted to have sex.”

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Funny Quotes by Milton Berle

Here are some very funny quotes by Milton Berle, a classic comedian of his time:

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

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It Could Be Worse - Issue 14

It time for another episode of It Could Be Worse, where no matter how bad things seem to be it  could always be worse (plus it's fun to do):

It could be worse:

1)      You could be Justin Bieber’s hair stylist and have to live with that fact, (…or Donald Trump’s.)

2)      You could be a bed bug getting a lot of bad press for living in a 5 star hotel so now the hotels are out to get you.

3)      You could be the gunman who hijacked a bus last week and not be smart enough to know that a bus is not a great getaway vehicle.

4)      You could be Ben Bernanke’s college economics professor and you have to admit that you gave him a passing grade.

5)      You could be the National Anthem and now every time you hear Christina Aguilera sing a song on the radio you cringe.

6)      You could be the container of Gatorade that inevitably gets thrown on the winning coach’s head at the Super Bowl and you never get to fulfill your destiny of getting drunk by a thirsty athlete.

7)      You could be a patch of grass in Iowa already being stomped on by presidential candidates for 2012.

8)      You could be the Black Eyed Peas on Monday morning after the Super Bowl being told that you know how to make a good entrance but not a very good halftime performance.

9)      You could be the maker of one of the really bad Super Bowl commercials.

10)   You could be a “female” tax return and on April 15^th you just know you are going to be cheated on and you still have more than 2 months to think about it.

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Burns and Allen Routines III

Here is another classic from the Burns and Allen radio show starring George Burns and Gracie Allen:

(A telephone rings, and Gracie, behind the cigar counter, picks up the phone)

Gracie: Hello. Oh hello, Mary, I was just going to call you. When are you giving me the surprise party?…Tuesday night…Sure I've got a new dress, I'm wearing it…What time Tuesday night?…Oh, you can't tell me, that's the surprise…. Sounds like fun. Tuesday night, don't forget to be there…. Goodbye.

(She hangs up as a customer comes up to the counter)

Customer: I'll have two of those cigars
Gracie: That'll be twenty cents.
Customer: Here's five dollars.

(She gives him the cigar and rings up the money)

Gracie: Anything else?
Customer: Yes, four-eighty.
Gracie: We haven't got cigars for four-eighty.
Customer: Who wants cigars for four-eighty? I want two cigars for twenty cents.
Gracie: I think you're silly to pay four-eighty for cigars that only cost twenty cents.
Customer: (Exasperated) Four-eighty! Twenty cents! I don't want any cigars! Here's your cigars, now give me back my five dollars!
Gracie: Oh, we never refund money, and besides you had no right to leave the counter before counting your change.
Customer: Leave the counter, count my change!! I didn't leave the counter, I didn't get any change!!
Gracie: Look, am I going to have the same trouble with you I had yesterday. I'm going to call the house detective.

(Calls)

Mr. Sweeney! Mr. Sweeney!
(Mr. Sweeney, a big, tall, burly man, enters)

Sweeney: Yes, Miss Allen, what is it?

(She gives him the two cigars)

Gracie: Here, have two cigars.
Sweeney: Oh, I couldn't, Miss Allen.
Gracie: Take them, they're paid for.

(He takes them)

Sweeney: Thanks. Now what's the problem?
Gracie: Mr. Sweeney, this man bought two cigars for twenty cents and gave me five dollars. How much do I owe him?
Sweeney: Four dollars and eighty cents.
Gracie: And four-eighty from five dollars is what?
Sweeney: Twenty cents.
Gracie: And how much are two cigars at ten cents apiece?
Sweeney: Twenty cents.
Gracie: Then doesn't that make us even?
Sweeney: Yes, I guess it does.
Gracie: Then throw this crook out....
Sweeney: Come on, get out of here.

(He drags the customer off)

Gracie: (Calling after him) I should have known yesterday I was going to have trouble with you today!

(George enters)

George: Hello, Gracie.
Gracie: Hello, George. Don't forget the party Tuesday night.
George: Gracie, it's supposed to be a surprise.
Gracie: Oh, you spoiled it for me....
George: I'm sorry. Let me have two cigars for twenty cents.

(He gives her twenty cents. She rings it up and gives him the cigars)

Gracie: Here's your four-eighty change.
George: Gracie, you're a little mixed up. I didn't give you five dollars. I gave you twenty cents.
Gracie: Now, listen, am I going to have the same trouble with you I had with that other fellow?
George: Not with me. I can use four-eighty. I haven't got a cent, I'm a pauper.
Gracie: You're a what?
George: I'm a pauper.
Gracie: Oh, congratulations, boy or girl?
George: I really don't know.
Gracie: Well, you better find out. Your brother will want to know if he's an uncle or an aunt.
George: I'll phone him when I get home.... Say, Gracie, do you know who you remind me of?
Gracie: I know, I was taken once for Clara Bow.
George: Well, that's show business.... You were taken once for Clara Bow, and I was taken once for grand larceny.
Gracie: George, don't be silly, you don't look a bit like him....
George: He's sort of a big, tall blond fellow.
Gracie: I know, and he's a very good dancer.
George: Say, you've got a pretty nice job here.
Gracie: Job? I could have had two jobs. This one at ten dollars a week and another one at forty dollars a week.
George: Then why did you take this job?
Gracie: Because I figure that if I lose a ten-dollar job instead of a forty-dollar job, I'll be saving thirty dollars.
George: Look, at thirty dollars a week, at the end of the year you'll have saved yourself fifteen hundred dollars.
Gracie: Sure, if I'm out of work for ten years, I'll have enough money to retire.
George:Do you mind if I change the subject?
Gracie: No, this is a free country.
George: That's a nice dress you have on.
Gracie: I'm glad you like it. It's my party dress for Tuesday night. My sisters, Jean and Alice, are going, too. They're twins, you know.
George: I didn't know you had twin sisters.
Gracie: They really should be triplets, because I think Alice is two-faced.
George:Do they look exactly alike?
Gracie: Oh, yeah.
George: Is it hard to tell them apart?
Gracie: Standing up or sitting down?
George:What difference does it make?
Gracie: Well, we noticed when Alice sits down and Jean stands up....
George: Jean seems taller.
Gracie: Yeah.... Even though they look exactly alike it's easy to tell them apart because Alice is married.
George: And Jean is single.
Gracie: No, Jean is married, too.
George: Well, how do you tell them apart?
Gracie: Jean is the one who has a swimming pool.
George: And Alice?
Gracie: She sleeps on the floor.
George: She sleeps on the floor?
Gracie: She's got high blood pressure and she's trying to keep it down.
George: But Jean is the own with the swimming pool.
Gracie: Yeah, we were there yesterday and we had such fun. We were diving, and doing back flips, and we'll even have more fun tomorrow when they put water in it.
George: Well, exercise is good for you.
Gracie: That's why we took the old woman with us.
George: Your mother?
Gracie: No, the old woman who lives with us. She's been with us for five weeks now.
George: Is it your aunt?
Gracie: We don't even know her. She just wanders around the house and does anything she wants.
George: Now let me get this. There's an old woman who wanders around your house and does anything she wants, and you don't even know her?
Gracie: Sure. You see, my sister bought a ticket.
George: A ticket?
Gracie: You see, they ran a raffle for a poor old woman, and....
George: Your sister won.
Gracie: Yeah....
George: Gracie, let's talk about anything except your family.
Gracie: Then you don't want to talk about my brother.
George: No.
Gracie: You're sure.
George: Yeah.
Gracie: He's very tall, you know.
George: Gracie, I don't want to talk about your brother.
Gracie: He's an undercover agent.
George: An undercover agent? Is he in the secret service?
Gracie: No, he knows about it.
George: Maybe I shouldn't have asked.
Gracie: Last week he went out on a murder case, and do you know he found that man in an hour.
George: He found the murderer in an hour?
Gracie: No, the man who was killed.
George: Not only is your brother tall, but he's fast.
Gracie: Oh yeah... And then Mr. and Mrs. Jones were having matrimonial trouble, and my brother was hired to watch Mrs. Jones.
George: Well, I imagine she was a very attractive woman.
Gracie: She was, and my brother watched her day and night for six months.
George: Well, what happened?
Gracie: She finally got a divorce.
George: Mrs. Jones?
Gracie: No, my brother's wife.
George: Gracie, I've enjoyed every minute of it, but we've run out of time. So just wave goodbye to everybody.
Gracie: Don't you want to hear about my Aunt Clara?
George: No.
Gracie: She's not only tall, but she's fat.
George: I don't want to hear about her.
Gracie: She's the one who collects all the clothes.
George: Gracie, we'll do that in our next short.
Gracie: Do you promise?
George: I promise.
Gracie: Good. Then I'll wave and say goodbye to everybody. Goodbye, everybody.

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 02/03/11

Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including: Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, and Conan O'Brien:

"Experts now say the protests in Egypt were started by bloggers. Bloggers started the whole thing on Facebook. In fact, the No. 1 choice to replace Mubarak — Justin Bieber." –Jay Leno

"Chicago is expecting 20 inches of snow. Rahm Emanuel says he’s happy he doesn’t really live there." –Jay Leno

"The owners of Chick-fil-A restaurants were very anti-gay-marriage, but now they’ve reversed their stand, In fact, today they introduced the Chick-on-Chick-fil-A." –Jay Leno

"Astronomers say that 8 years from today an asteroid has a 1 in 200,000 chance of hitting Earth. About the same chance Sarah Palin has of becoming President, so it’s pretty scary either way." –Jay Leno

"Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak announced he won't run for another term. The bad news is that this spring he's taking over for Regis." – Conaan O’Brien

"There was a huge snowstorm in New York yesterday. I was complaining about it all day to my friend in Egypt." –Jimmy Fallon

"A spokesperson for Sen. John McCain said he won't meet Snooki this week even though she was in D.C. Do you really need to announce that you're not meeting with Snooki? That's like Obama going, 'Welcome to the State of the Union. I'd just like to let everyone know that I will not be having brunch with Amber from 'Teen Mom' tomorrow.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the internet. Listen, if you want people to stay home and do nothing, turn the internet back on." -Conan O’Brien

"Celebrities are tweeting about Egypt. Larry King has offered to go there and speak personally to the Pharaoh." –Conan O'Brien

"The bookies have put the odds out for this weekend. The Packers are slightly favored over the Steelers and the rioters are slightly favored over President Mubarak." –Jay Leno

"I haven't seen this many protestors in Cairo since the last time they announced Brendan Fraser was doing another one of those 'Mummy' movies." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden has suggested to people out of work to just 'hang in there.' What a difference two years makes: Remember 'hope and change'? Now it's 'hang in there.'" –Jay Leno

"The Pentagon has announced a 3-month timetable for gay to be able to serve openly in the military. They want it so coincide with the season finale of 'Glee.'" –Jay Leno

"Egypt has shut off cell phones and the internet. It’s like visiting your parents’ house." –David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Dick Cheney. I think he's 70 years old. Dick celebrated by shooting a cake." –David Letterman

"They had a party at Dick Cheney's house and he invited 12 people to his birthday party. At midnight he told them, 'Only 11 of you will be leaving with a heart.'" –David Letterman

"Bristol Palin announced she has a new boyfriend. No word yet on their new baby’s name." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Egyptian protesters are using Facebook to get away from the police, but the police are using Farmville to build fences to keep the protesters in." –Jay Leno

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More Advice from Advice Columnist Dear Crabby

This week we have our occasional guest columnist back to spew more of her venom….uh, I mean advice to our readers.

Let’s welcome Dear Crabby.  How are you, Crabby?

“I’m doing well, in spite of that introduction.  I heard that you have a book that will be released on darnfunnyonline.com in the next week or two.”

Thanks for mentioning that Crabby, yes, look for it on the website and newsletter.  The title is “How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That.”  I’m excited about it.  Gee, I’m not used to you being so nice, Crabby.

“You said you were going to pay me to plug your book.  You’re still paying me aren’t you?”

Um, ah, yeah we’ll talk about that later. (I was trying to stay in character, since we really don’t like each other very much…yeah, the check is in the mail.)

Anyway, now that that’s over, I’ll turn it over to you Crabby.

“It’s about time.  Our first letter is from a man who doesn’t think he has to help his wife unpack after moving.  He signs his letter, ‘Moving.’”

MOVING:  My wife and I moved into a new house recently.  I had to do all the heavy lifting when we moved the boxes and now she wants me to help her unpack too.  I felt like my work was over once I got the boxes into the house.  What do you think, Crabby?

CRABBY:  Dear Moving, I hope you don’t expect me to be moved by your letter.  If I was you wife the only thing I’d be moving is my foot up your ass.  What is it with you lazy men?  You do a little work and you want all this sympathy.  I’m guessing your wife did all the packing, arranged the move and even helped you move a lot of the boxes into the house.  Get off your lazy butt, which I’m guessing is growing as we speak, and help you sweet wife out a little bit.

“The next letter is from another shiftless male complaining about his wife.  He signs his letter, ‘Town Crier.’”

Town Crier:  Every time my wife wants something it seems like she turns on the waterworks.  When she cries then I always give in.  I feel like I’m being manipulated.  Am I being too soft with her, Crabby?

Crabby:  Dear Town Crier, I’m pretty sure the only thing soft about you is your head.  If you ever let her have anything without crying maybe she wouldn’t have to cry all the time.  You men disgust me.  If I had you here, I’d show you a thing or two about…

Whoa, whoa, Crabby.  This is Steve again.  I had to interrupt because it sounds like you are being even more hostile than normal.  I mean you are usually kind of a…uh, well, bitch is the only word I can think of, but this is ridiculous.

“Fine, we’ll go to the next letter.”

We don’t have time for anymore letters, Crabby.  Plus, I’m afraid you’ll scare off the readers.

“No time!? That’s because you did that shameless plug in the beginning.”

It wouldn’t have been shameless if you kept your mouth shut about the money.

(Smiling evilly.)  Glad I could help.

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Burns and Allen Routines II

Here are some more excerpts from the classic Burns and Allen show, starring George Burns and Gracie Allen:

. A man comes out, puts his arms around Gracie, and kisses her, and she kisses him. They wave to each other as he backs offstage. Gracie returns to George center stage.

Gracie: Who was that?
George: You don't know?
Gracie: No, my mother told me never to talk to strangers.
George: That makes sense.
Gracie: This always happens to me. On my way in, a man stopped me at the stage door and said, "Hiya, cutie, how about a bite tonight after the show?"
George: And you said?
Gracie: I said, "I'll be busy after the show but I'm not doing anything now," so I bit him.
George: Gracie, let me ask you something. Did the nurse ever happen to drop you on your head when you were a baby?
Gracie: Oh, no, we couldn't afford a nurse, my mother had to do it.
George: You had a smart mother.
Gracie: Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
George: Gracie, what school did you go to?
Gracie: I'm not allowed to tell.
George: Why not?
Gracie: The school pays me $25 a month not to tell.
George: Is there anybody in the family as smart as you?
Gracie: My sister Hazel is even smarter. If it wasn't for her, our canary would never have hatched that ostrich egg.
George: A canary hatched an ostrich egg?
Gracie: Yeah...but the canary was too small to cover that big egg.
George: So?
Gracie: So...Hazel sat on the egg and held the canary in her lap.
George: Hazel must be the smartest in your family.
Gracie: Oh, no. My brother Willy was no dummy either.
George: Willy?
Gracie: Yeah, the one who slept on the floor.
George: Why would he sleep on the floor?
Gracie: He had high blood pressure--
George: And he was trying to keep it down?
Gracie: Yeah.
George: I'd like to meet Willy.
Gracie: You can't miss him. He always wears a high collar to cover the appendicitis scar on his neck.
George: Gracie, your appendix is down around your waist.
Gracie: I know, but Willy was so ticklish they had to operate up there.
George: What's Willy doing now?
Gracie: He just lost his job.
George: Lost his job?
Gracie: Yeah, he's a window washer.
George: And?
Gracie: And...he was outside on the twentieth story washing a window and when he got through he stepped back to admire his work.
George: And he lost his job.
Gracie: Yeah...And when he hit the pavement he was terribly embarrassed.
George: Embarrassed?
Gracie: Yeah...his collar blew off and his appendicitis scar showed.
George: Gracie, this family of yours--
Gracie: When Willy was a little baby my father took him riding in his carriage, and two hours later my father came back with a different baby and a different carriage.
George: Well, what did your mother say?
Gracie: My mother didn't say anything because it was a better carriage.
George: A better carriage?
Gracie: Yeah...And the little baby my father brought home was a little French baby so my mother took up French.
George: Why?
Gracie: So she could understand the baby--
George: When the baby started to talk?
Gracie: Yeah.
George: Gracie, this family of yours, do you all live together?
Gracie: Oh, sure. My father, my brother, my uncle, my cousin, and my nephew all sleep in one bed and--
George: In one bed? I'm surprised your grandfather doesn't sleep with them.
Gracie: Oh, he did, but he died, so they made him get up

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Funny Observations from Current Events - 02/01/11

Here are some funny observations made after watching the news and current events over the last week:

Only 9% of women around the globe consider themselves attractive, according to a survey.  Men, on the other hand, consider 99% of all women attractive when they are naked.

At first, Rahm Emanuel, the former White House Chief of Staff, who had a reputation for being mean, was kicked off the ballot for mayor of Chicago by the courts.  They said he wasn’t mean enough…he was mean, but not “Chicago mean.”

Then 3 days later the high court of Illinois ruled that he could run for mayor of Chicago, proving again that there is justice in Chicago, no matter how much it costs.

The NFL wide receiver who had changed his name to Ochocinco, after originally being known as Chad Johnson, is changing his name again.  This time it’ll be “NO ONE CARES ANYMORE.”

A psychiatrist got his cat a diploma to be a shrink on the Internet just to prove it could be done.  Sadly, the cat is now one of the most qualified psychiatrists in the country.

There is a reported shortage of strippers in Dallas where the Super Bowl is being held.  They are reportedly hiring Tiger Woods to help recruit some of his old girlfriends to work there this week.

And speaking of Tiger Woods, work on the Tiger Woods resort in Dubai has been halted due to the economy.  Apparently, they were working on an orgy room and they had the workers pull out.  I believe the technical term is workus interuptus.

Charlie Sheen checked himself into rehab, but not to be rehabilitated, he was just looking for Lindsay Lohan so they could party together.

Taco Bell is fighting back against the lawsuit that claims they only have 35% meat in their advertised meat, the rest is fillers.  They have a new slogan coming out, “There are only so many bugs we can sweep off the floor to pump up the percentage of our meat.”

The IRS oversight board conducted a survey and found that 87%of Americans think that cheating on taxes is not acceptable.  We know that the IRS would never lie or fudge their stats.  We can take their word to the bank just as we could trust Bill Clinton when he said, “I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.”  (For the record I have never cheated on my taxes!!!)

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