Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 03/30/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman:

A group headed up by Magic Johnson bought the Dodgers for $2 billion. How much are beer and hot dogs going to cost at Dodger Stadium now? –Jay Leno

Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer, and oil companies say it's because of high demand due to warmer summer weather — as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, if there's weather, gas prices go up. –Jay Leno

Newt Gingrich announced today he is laying off a third of his campaign staff. Is that surprising? He laid off two-thirds of his wives. –Jay Leno

"Titanic" is being re-released in 3-D, and they tried to update it a little bit to play to the younger crowd. In the new version, the captain hits the iceberg because he's texting. –Jay Leno

An investment group headed by Magic Johnson has reached a deal to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers. Magic said he won't make any major changes other than the Dodgers will now play basketball. –Conan O’Brien

It's never a good sign when the best athlete on your team is the owner. –Conan O’Brien

"The Hunger Games" mania continues. After "Twilight" fans were called Twi-hards, "Hunger Games" fans have now been dubbed Hunger-lings. "John Carter" fans are referred to as "That guy who saw 'John Carter.'" –Conan O’Brien

A recent report shows that pot smokers get into fewer car crashers than drunk people. Then again, it's easier to see what is coming when you're driving at 11 miles an hour. –Conan O’Brien

A study claims eight out of 109 cities that value sex the most are in California. So thank you, Governor Schwarzenegger. –Jimmy Kimmel

Seven of the eight cities that value sex the most are in the L.A. area. That makes sense. We have Paris Hilton and Charlie Sheen living here. –Jimmy Kimmel

Ron Paul said it’s still too early to count him out as the Republican nominee. Seriously? That’s like Newt Gingrich saying it’s too early to count him out as an Abercrombie model. –Jimmy Fallon

A high school here in New York is asking Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin to speak at its graduation. Lin plans on telling the kids they can be anything they dream of — for about two weeks. –Jimmy Fallon

Alicia Silverstone is making news for feeding her son by chewing his food and then passing it into his mouth. Even birds are like, "Just buy him some Gerber, you weirdo!” –Jimmy Fallon

In New York City this week, they had the annual Greek Independence Day Parade. In fact, it was so authentically Greek that before the parade even started it was $12 million in debt. –Jay Leno

A madam in New York City claims that John Edwards was a customer in her brothel. You hear that kind of thing and it really makes you lose respect for prostitutes, doesn't it? –Jay Leno

The Supreme Court is deciding right now whether the government can mandate that all Americans buy health insurance. Rick Santorum said, "There's no way I'm letting the government make me go on a man date." –Conan O’Brien

The man who hacked into Scarlett Johansson's cell phone and posted nude photos of her has pled guilty. However, the judge has reduced the man's sentence if he solemnly swears to do it again. –Conan O’Brien

In Germany, a court has ruled that German police are allowed to racially profile citizens. But don't worry. It's Germany, so things shouldn't get out of hand. –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off. –David Letterman

Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare. –David Letterman

For the first time in history, Americans will watch more movies online than they will on physical media like DVDs. Four billion will be watched the old-fashioned way. In 10 years people will be looking back on us renting movies at Blockbuster like we look back at people washing their clothes on a river rock. –Jimmy Kimmel

Newt Gingrich is hoping to cut into his campaign debt by charging people $50 to take a photo with him. Just imagine — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get a personal picture with a man who will never be the president of the United States. –Jimmy Kimmel

I would pay the 50 bucks if he agreed to wear a prom dress in the photo. –Jimmy Kimmel

Apparently Tim Tebow is looking for a house in the same neighborhood where Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez lives. It’s right at the intersection of Awkward and Yikes. –Jimmy Fallon

A strip club in New York is offering to give Tim Tebow his first lap dance for free. It’ll be the first time where the customer is the one who keeps yelling "No touching.” –Jimmy Fallon

A woman here in New York claims that her blind date stole her iPhone and her wallet. She was like, "I have to get that iPhone back — I mean, what if he calls"? –Jimmy Fallon

This week a man wearing a Batman costume was pulled over while driving a Lamborghini. I think the real story here is that a grown man who owns a Batman costume can actually afford a Lamborghini. –Jimmy Fallon

I spent my whole weekend filling out my brackets for "The Hunger Games." –Jay Leno

The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs. –Jay Leno

This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself. –Jay Leno

Fox News sent Dick Cheney flowers. MSNBC sent chili cheese fries. –Jay Leno

This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents. –Conan O’Brien

Rick Santorum said you aren't a real Republican until you've sworn at someone from The New York Times. Moments later a panicked Mitt Romney called the New York Times reception desk and said "Heck!" –Conan O’Brien

The Pope made a visit to Mexico. He took first place in the spring break Wet Pope Hat Contest. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama is getting tough on North Korea. This weekend President Obama warned Kim Jong Un that bad behavior will not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong Un asked, "So how do you explain a new season of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Conan O’Brien

Tiger Woods did something unusual this weekend. He won a golf tournament. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tiger's now a 4-1 favorite to win at The Masters. They say all he has to do is stay away from Ambien, Escalades, and hostesses at the Waffle House. –Jimmy Kimmel

Pope Benedict XVI spent the weekend in Mexico. He likes to spend spring break at Señor Frog's. He's been doing it since he was in college. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Pope wears the best hats. He gives Lady Gaga a run for her money. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday on CNN, White House adviser David Plouffe referred to the Republican presidential race as a "clown show." That’s as rough as it gets on CNN. Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich all called the statement ridiculous and then piled into one tiny car and drove off. –Jimmy Fallon

Dick Cheney received a heart transplant this weekend after waiting for two years. He wasn't waiting for a donor. It just took doctors two years to find Cheney’s current heart. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday President Obama said that North Korea is in a "time warp" that has missed 50 years of progress. North Korea denied the accusation — in a strongly worded telegraph. –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that Facebook, Google, and YouTube are the most popular websites in the U.S. — while the least popular website in the U.S. is Gingrich2012.org. –Jimmy Fallon

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 03/23/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

According to a new book, President Obama blames Fox News for his political problems and losing voters. How could Fox News lose voters? If you're watching Fox News, you're probably not voting for him in the first place. –Jay Leno

Pope Benedict will visit Mexico this weekend. Historians say he will be the first Pope ever to attend spring break. –Jay Leno

The State Department is warning spring breakers about the dangers of violence from Mexican drug gangs. So, to avoid the threat, stay out of L.A. –Jay Leno

Next month the movie "Titanic" will be re-released in 3-D. In this version, the captain doesn't see the iceberg coming because he's not wearing the special glasses. –Jay Leno

Disastrous news for Walt Disney. They've announced they've lost $200 million on the movie "John Carter." This doesn't bode well for Disney's upcoming $250 million epic, "Jimmy Carter." –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Vice President Joe Biden said the killing of Osama bin Laden was the most audacious plan in the last 500 years. Biden then unveiled his new line of steak knives and said, "Until now!" –Conan O’Brien

Since Saturday, Apple has sold 3 million iPads. So to the Chinese workers who made them — juice boxes all around. Celebrate, kids. Be happy. –Conan O’Brien

It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. –David Letterman

Big news in the NFL. Peyton Manning is leaving Indianapolis and going to Denver. I knew it. He said, "Colts are horses. Who else has got a horse? Denver Broncos." That's the way these things work. –David Letterman

Rick Santorum said he's not worried about unemployment. Well, he will be in November. –David Letterman

When I heard the Republicans were in President Obama's home state, I said, "They're holding a primary in Kenya?" - Craig Ferguson

Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he's sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually. –Jimmy Kimmel

This Wednesday Mitt Romney goes one-on-one in a debate against the one man who stands in the way of his nomination: Mitt Romney. –Jimmy Kimmel

Massachusetts moderate squares off with die-hard conservative Romney on the issues. Man versus machine. Romney versus Romney. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is "Newt Gingrich.” –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right — Rick Santorum was seen lying on the beach without his shirt on. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection. –Jimmy Fallon

Disney will lose $200 million on its new movie, "John Carter," about a Civil War soldier on Mars. Disney could tell they were going to lose lots of money when they realized they made a movie about a Civil War soldier on Mars. –Jimmy Fallon

“The Hunger Games" is expected to make $130 million at the box office this weekend. Experts say the movie has that one quality you look for in a film — it’s not about a Civil War soldier on Mars. –Jimmy Fallon

Peyton Manning has signed a $96 million deal to play for the Denver Broncos. How ironic is that? Tim Tebow's prayers to help the Broncos win are finally being answered. –Jay Leno

The other big football story is that Tim Tebow has been traded to the New York Jets. Can you imagine Tim Tebow in New York City? Talk about throwing a Christian to the lions. –Jay Leno

The man who created the Red Bull energy drink has died at the age of 89. Actually, he died five years ago. He was just so wired, nobody could tell. –Jay Leno

Red Bull's creator is survived by a very jumpy wife and a bunch of really jittery kids. –Jay Leno

Yesterday the prime minister of Ireland made President Obama an honorary Irishman. As a result, President Obama awoke this morning with a hangover and a job at the fire department. –Conan O’Brien

Today is Ann and Mitt Romney's 43rd wedding anniversary. This means that 43 years ago Mitt proposed to his wife and due to a weak field of candidates, she said yes. –Conan O’Brien

Looks like Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow has been traded to the Jets. When told he was going to be spending the rest of his career in New Jersey, Tebow said, "There is no God." –Conan O’Brien

This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell. –Jimmy Fallon

It looks like Tim Tebow might be traded to the New York Jets — but apparently some Jets players are not happy about it. They're called wide receivers. –Jimmy Fallon

There are rumors that Kim Kardashian wants to adopt a child. You can tell orphans are nervous — even Oliver Twist is like, "You know what — I’m good on soup. Sorry for complaining.” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is calling on Iran to give its citizens better access to the Internet. Right now they only have one social networking site: "Cover-Your-Face Book.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Denver Broncos have signed Peyton Manning as their new quarterback. That means Tim Tebow may be traded. There's no telling where he'll end up — you know, like one of his passes. –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney is so rich, he taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA. –Jay Leno

The new iPad went on sale this week. The picture's so fantastic, you can see with amazing clarity just how obsolete the iPad you got for Christmas is. –Jay Leno

This week the makers of Camel cigarettes said 10 percent of its workers would be eliminated by 2014 — especially if they keep smoking Camels. –Jay Leno

A photo of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet. Ironically, the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control. –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters tried to reoccupy a New York park. You can tell the movement has been hurting for funds. This time they called themselves "Occupy Wall Street brought to you by Sony Pictures '21 Jump Street.'" –Conan O’Brien

A Massachusetts medical clinic is trying to entice men to get a vasectomy by offering a free pizza. The disturbing part is for both the pizza and the vasectomy, they use the same rolling wheel knife. –Conan O’Brien

Peyton Manning is signing with the Denver Broncos. Glad to see something good finally happen to somebody in that family. –David Letterman

Peyton Manning will be the quarterback for the Denver Broncos, replacing Tim Tebow, their current quarterback. This answers the question, "What would Jesus do?" Well, he'd sign Peyton Manning. –David Letterman

Rick Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. Most political analysts say it could hurt him with the "every single man in America" vote. –Jimmy Kimmel

Santorum said when he's in the White House he'll tell his attorney general to prosecute people who distribute any content that is deemed obscene. Will he appoint a team to watch porn all day? If so, he could solve the unemployment crisis. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump’s sons shot and killed endangered animals on a safari. They got an elephant, a crocodile, and that thing on their dad’s head. –Jimmy Fallon

Peyton Manning has agreed to join the Denver Broncos, which means Denver will trade Tim Tebow after just one year as a starter. Even Kim Kardashian was like, "Come on, who dumps a pro athlete that quickly?” –Jimmy Fallon

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 03/02/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

“Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It's called Every Child Left Behind.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul looks like the guy you see in the horse-racing movies on the back stretch with a stopwatch.” –David Letterman

“Today is the 100th anniversary of the Oreo cookie. For New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, it's a holy day.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney accused the other GOP candidates of pandering to voters to get support. Romney was like, ‘I would never pander to voters. I mean, unless you guys want me to.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today marks the 158th anniversary of the Republican Party — while tomorrow marks the 158th Republican debate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is leap day. This is something that only happens once every four years. Or as Newt Gingrich calls that, a sit-up.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney has accused Rick Santorum of saying outrageous things just so Santorum can appeal to the most extreme voters. Santorum denied this and said, ‘That's exactly the kind of misrepresentation I'd expect from gay abortion doctor Mitt Romney.’” –Conan O'Brien

“The Romney campaign says they can't figure out why the people of Michigan aren't embracing their native son. Hmmm, let's see. Could it be this editorial he wrote four years ago: ‘Let Detroit go bankrupt’?” –Craig Ferguson

“That shows Romney had the vision to put his foot in his mouth years before his competitors.” –Craig Ferguson

“It's nothing compared to the piece Romney wrote last week for The Arizona Republic: ‘Accept your new Mexican overlords.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Rick Santorum has been surging in the polls lately. Apparently voters are responding to his message of no birth control and public schools.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Kid Rock gave Mitt Romney an endorsement. He also endorsed porn, Jack Daniels, and hepatitis C.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It's leap day tomorrow. This is God's way of punishing us by making the election year even longer.” –Jay Leno

“Kid Rock has formally endorsed Mitt Romney. Doesn't Kid Rock look like the guy that Mitt Romney's neighborhood watch group would call the cops on?” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum now says he's against separation of church and state. But he's not against separation of sweaters and sleeves.” –David Letterman

“A crazy billionaire is going to give Newt Gingrich $100 million. Gingrich is so excited. He said, ‘Wow, now I can come pretty close to settling up my bill at Tiffany's.’” –David Letterman

“As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.” –Conan O'Brien

“The house in Pakistan where Osama bin Laden was killed has been demolished. But not before each member of SEAL Team 6 was allowed to bring one date there.” –Conan O'Brien

“Due to the rising price of oil and gas, the Obama administration announced today they are considering dipping into our national strategic re-election reserves. I mean, I'm sorry — strategic oil reserves.” –Jay Leno

“Now Romney and Santorum are battling over who's more conservative. I think Santorum... he's more conservative. This guy is so conservative, as a kid, he refused to play with an erector set.” –Jay Leno

“Santorum is so conservative he won't go to a junkyard out of fear that he might see another man's junk. That's how bad.” –Jay Leno

“He won't even blow his own soup.” –Jay Leno

“He thinks a dirty Sanchez is a quarterback for the New York Jets.” –Jay Leno

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won in Arizona and Michigan. Romney is so excited, he almost loosened his tie. –Jay Leno

Not a good day for Rick Santorum. I haven't seen him this depressed since they invented the birth control pill. –Jay Leno

I think Rick Santorum learned something yesterday. He learned that the Electoral College is not for everyone. –Jay Leno

It's being reported that Snooki is pregnant. When Rick Santorum heard the news, he immediately came out in favor of birth control. –Conan O'Brien

Snooki is three months pregnant. Doctors say the young life form swimming in fluids of only minor brain development is going to have a very healthy baby. –Conan O'Brien

Scientists are looking into the world's oldest murder case — a man who was murdered 5,000 years ago. Larry King immediately came forward with an alibi. –Conan O'Brien

Are you excited about leap day? I mean, my God, who doesn't want an extra day of February? –David Letterman

They went crazy celebrating. A friend of mine who was in campaign headquarters said that after he won and the lights were turned off and people were going home, Romney took off his jacket and chugged a glass of tap water. –David Letterman

Rick Santorum thinks that global warming, climate change, is a hoax. Let me ask you something, Rick. If you think global warming and climate change is a hoax, how do you explain those sleeveless sweaters? –David Letterman

It is leap day. There are a lot of strange traditions. In Ireland and Norway, women are supposed to ask men to marry them and in Denmark if, the man refuses he must give the woman 12 pairs of his gloves. Come on, Danish ladies! If a man owns 12 pairs of gloves, he is probably not the marrying kind. At least not marrying a woman kind. –Craig Ferguson

Why do we need a leap day every four years? Because the earth orbits the sun every 365 days and six hours. In an astronomical sense, it is a tiny amount of time. Six hours. Scientists refer to it as a Kardashian . –Craig Ferguson

I learned something. Julius Caesar came up with leap day like 2,000 years ago. Julius Caesar invented leap day. And salad, I think. -Jimmy Kimmel

According to multiple news sources, Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is pregnant. Which is unusual. They don't usually mate in captivity. -Jimmy Kimmel

CNN asked Snooki's publicist to confirm or deny the rumors. They got no comment. Remember when CNN talked about elections and hurricanes? -Jimmy Kimmel

In yesterday's Michigan primary, Newt Gingrich actually came in fourth place. Or as the ice cream in his freezer put it, it's gonna be a long night. -Jimmy Fallon

Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney is so closed-minded that he would have fired Christopher Columbus. Romney denied it, saying, "Are you kidding me? A man with three boats, that's my kind of guy." -Jimmy Fallon

It's leap day tomorrow. This is God's way of punishing us by making the election year even longer. –Jay Leno

The new cast of "Dancing With the Stars" has been revealed. They're leaving one spot open for whoever loses on Super Tuesday next week. –Jay Leno

Some sad news. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is reportedly in good condition after major surgery. –Jay Leno

It was revealed that Lady Gaga has a role in the movie "Men in Black 3." She's a creepy alien who can only breathe through her tentacles. I don't know what she is playing in the movie. –Craig Ferguson

Bill Nye the Science Guy is suing his ex-girlfriend for more than $50,000 in legal bills. Legal experts were shocked — they were like, "Bill Nye the Science Guy had a girlfriend?” -Jimmy Fallon

There was apparently an electrical fire today at Fenway Park, home of the Boston Red Sox. It was weird — instead of calling 911, Boston fans just heckled the fire until it left. –Jimmy Fallon

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 02/24/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

“Happy Presidents Day. We have a lot of Presidents Day sales. Mitt Romney got a little confused. He thought the presidency was for sale.” –Jay Leno

“You think he's bad... Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he doesn't even want pirates touching their own booty.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative that when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right wings.” –Jay Leno

“This guy is so anti-gay, he won't even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks a Labradoodle is a result of interracial marriage.” –Jay Leno

“You can tell gas prices are going up in California. Prius owners are getting that smug look again.” –Jay Leno

“Here in New York City we celebrate Presidents Day by allowing people to park on both sides of the street.” –David Letterman

“The North Korea news agency is saying that the birds and the pandas and all the wildlife are moaning because they're so depressed over the death of Kim Jong Il. Wait a minute. Is it possible they are moaning because they live in North Korea?” –David Letterman

“Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn't invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion he crashed it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“CNN announced that instead of using podiums at Wednesday’s debate, the GOP candidates will be sitting at a table — which could get awkward when Newt Gingrich asks to see a menu.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The tallest president was Abraham Lincoln, 6'4". I think four of those feet were hat.” –Craig Ferguson

“People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania.” –Craig Ferguson

“He was going to be born in Kenya but it wasn't socialist enough.” –Craig Ferguson

Today Mitt Romney had some ashes on his head. He's not Catholic. It was soot from his campaign blowing up in his face. –Jay Leno

Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you're not an outsider. You're just unpopular. –Jay Leno

Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty. –Jay Leno

A known white supremacist has been working with a known black gang leader to make and distribute crystal meth. A white supremacist works side by side with a black gang member, and the Republicans still can't agree on Mitt Romney. That doesn't make any sense. –Jay Leno

"Borat" star Sacha Baron Cohen has been banned from the Oscars. Producers are worried if Sacha Baron Cohen shows up, something interesting might happen. –Conan O’Brien

During a concert at the White House yesterday, President Obama got on stage and performed with Mick Jagger. Apparently, Obama wanted to prove to Republicans that he could work with a rich old white guy. –Conan O’Brien

Today Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran's nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail. –Conan O’Brien

Taco Bell is coming out with a taco that's wrapped in a Doritos shell. If for some reason that doesn't sound appealing to you, you're not stoned right now. –Conan O’Brien

Reese Witherspoon, Academy Award-winning actress and beautiful young woman, is in Florida at the Yankees spring training camp. The Yankees are taking a look at her as a possible Alex Rodriguez girlfriend. –David Letterman

Sunday is the Academy Awards. I talked to a friend of mine at the academy, and the odds-on favorite is "The Help." It's all about housekeepers being pursued by Arnold Schwarzenegger. –David Letterman

At the White House they're recovering after last night's big concert. Mick Jagger played. President Obama said it was refreshing to see an old white guy who wasn't running against him. –Craig Ferguson

Dutch scientists say they've created artificial meat from stem cells, and in about eight months they'll have a complete hamburger patty. When I first heard this, I was shocked. There are dutch scientists? It's got to be uncomfortable working in a lab with those giant wooden shoes on. –Craig Ferguson

There are still a lot of questions about this artificial hamburger, though. Is it healthy? Does it go with cheese? Can David Hasselhoff eat it off the floor? –Craig Ferguson

This artificial hamburger technology is not perfected. To make a complete patty, scientists say it will cost $400,000 per hamburger. The first 10 have already been ordered by Mitt Romney. –Craig Ferguson

If your co-workers had ash on their heads today, it means they're Catholic or they had too many margaritas and passed out in an ashtray. –Jimmy Kimmel

Congressman Barney Frank is getting married soon — to another guy. Usually congressmen only do that sort of thing in secret. –Jimmy Kimmel

Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle. –Jimmy Kimmel

Beyoncé and Jay-Z were spotted at a Knicks game this week. They found a last-minute babysitter — the guy who used to play point guard before Jeremy Lin. –Jimmy Fallon

A lunch menu from the Titanic is expected to sell for $150,000 at an auction next month. The menu starts out great, but once you get to the iceberg wedge, it’s a total disaster. –Jimmy Fallon

Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing. –Jay Leno

Italian police seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. bonds. Let that be a lesson. If you want to try and sell worthless financial instruments, you'd better be Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. That's the only way you're going to get away with it. –Jay Leno

Taco Bell plans to start selling tacos made out of nacho cheese Doritos. Their goal is to create Mexican food that's totally unrecognizable to the Mexican people. –Jay Leno

Dutch scientists say the world's first test-tube meat, a hamburger made from cow stem cells, will be available sometime this year. Test tube meat made from stem cells. I hope it tastes as good as it sounds. –Jay Leno

It's been reported that Mitt Romney's campaign is spending cash twice as fast as they're earning it. Hey, it turns out he is just like us after all. –Conan O’Brien

Political analysts say the key voting bloc could be birth control moms. Birth control moms are women who use birth control but apparently not correctly. –Conan O’Brien

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has outlawed gay marriage with one exception. He said Ben and Jerry, they're OK. They can go ahead and get married. –David Letterman

Usually the only thing Chris Christie vetoes is a salad. –David Letterman

Scientists have now created artificial meat. They've done so with stem cells in a test tube. Is your mouth watering? –David Letterman

Today is Mardi Gras. That's French for Fat Tuesday. Unfortunately we're all so politically correct these days, Fat Tuesday is now officially known as "Big Boned Day." –Craig Ferguson

At one end of Bourbon Street they actually have a gay Mardi Gras celebration. Who would have guessed that a party centered on jewelry and feathers would attract a gay crowd? –Craig Ferguson

I love New Orleans. It's a great place with resilient people. They bounced back after an incredible tragedy. Meanwhile, here in Los Angeles we're still recovering from last month's drizzle. –Craig Ferguson

Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. I'm all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum's running mate. –Jimmy Kimmel

Girl Scouts sell cookies. They don't promote homosexuality. They promote obesity. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tomorrow night is the 20th Republican debate, which explains that new campaign slogan, "Vote Mitt Romney — or else we’ll keep doing this.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Oscars are this Sunday, and 40 million people are expected to watch it on ABC. But in fairness, half of them are just Brad Pitt’s kids cheering him on. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that 16 percent of Americans under the age of 24 don’t have a job. There’s even a name for that group: Art History majors. –Jimmy Fallon

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 02/17/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, and Jimmy Kimmel:

The Chinese vice president visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. That shows how different China is from us. In China, the vice president is actually important. –Jay Leno

President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece. –Jay Leno

The new sports phenom, New York Knicks' player Jeremy Lin, came off the bench and helped win six games including a last-second shot to defeat the Toronto Raptors. Where else but America can you drink a German beer and watch a Taiwanese basketball player on your Japanese TV beat a team from Canada? –Jay Leno

Did you all have a nice Valentine's Day yesterday? Do you know how St. Valentine died? He was beheaded by the emperor Claudius — right after Claudius saw how much he was charging for a dozen roses. –Jay Leno

President Obama is in Los Angeles today hoping to raise millions of dollars — which may be why I saw him in the audience line this morning at "The Price Is Right." Barack Obama, come on down! –Conan O’Brien

A group of Democratic fundraisers is offering a dinner with the president for $35,000. Unfortunately, the only person in America who can afford it is Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien

Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy-metal band Megadeth. Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth. –Conan O’Brien

In Las Vegas a diner suffered a heart attack while eating at a restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill. Even worse, it totally ruined the man's plans to take his date back to his room at the Chlamydia Hilton. –Conan O’Brien

I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, "For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest." -David Letterman

I had to go to the doctor for my annual physical. My doctor has seen me go from unemployed actor to unemployed actor with a talk show. -Craig Ferguson

He said I have the arteries of a 35-year-old, a 20-year-old's metabolism, and a 10-year-old's sense of humor. -Craig Ferguson

The obesity rate among school kids has been on the rise. Schools are having to order special desks and seats for students who are particularly obese. Is exercise just out of the question now? -Jimmy Kimmel

There is one good thing about our students getting fatter. Our teachers are now less likely to want to have sex with them. ? -Jimmy Kimmel

Today President Obama visited a factory in Wisconsin that brought back 100 jobs from China. It’s got to be tough for the workers in China who lost those jobs — but kids always bounce back. –Jimmy Fallon

A court in Germany has reopened a 400-year-old case involving a woman who was found guilty of witchcraft. And if that woman is still alive for the trial, I’m gonna go ahead and say "Guilty.” –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new channel called DOG TV that offers 24 hours of programming to entertain dogs while their owners are gone. That's crazy. My dog doesn't want to watch TV — not when I just got him an iPad. –Jimmy Fallon

New Jersey has passed a bill legalizing gay marriage. Now comes the hard part — finding gay couples who want to actually live in New Jersey. –Jay Leno

A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime? Luckily, he made a clean getaway. –Jay Leno

Papa John's is offering a heart-shaped pizza for Valentine's Day. It's for the wife who has everything, except a husband who knows what a woman wants for Valentine's Day. –Conan O’Brien

The son of Hugh Hefner has been arrested on a charge of domestic violence. When he heard this, Hugh Hefner said, "Son, there's a right way and a wrong way to disrespect women." –Conan O’Brien

I'd give you Valentine's tips, but if you're watching this show, clearly your Valentine's Day has gone horribly wrong. -Craig Ferguson

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came out today. On Valentine's Day. That doesn't seem appropriate. Photographs of busty young women. It's like handing out free bacon on Passover. -Craig Ferguson

The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800s, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat. -Craig Ferguson

This year, I gave my girlfriend her gift for next Valentine's Day. I gave her a pack of seeds. That way, she can grow her roses the old-fashioned way. -Jimmy Kimmel

On Valentine's Day, Americans spend $367 million on their pets. That seems like a waste. You don't need to wine and dine your dog. Either way, he's going to hump your leg. -Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama urged men to "go big" for Valentine’s Day. In fact, Obama bought Michelle the nicest bracelet China's money can buy. –Jimmy Fallon

One of the awards at this week’s Westminster Dog Show went to Martha Stewart’s chow chow named Genghis Khan. If Martha wanted to name the dog after a ruthless tyrant, she should have gone with "Martha Stewart.” –Jimmy Fallon

Earlier tonight, Donald Trump’s hair won top prize at the Westminster Dog Show. –Jimmy Fallon

And congratulations to Paris Hilton. She was given a special humanitarian award for choosing not to release an album last year. –Jay Leno

The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home. –Jay Leno

White Castle is offering candlelit dinner service for Valentine's Day. It's the perfect way to tell your partner, "I'm hungry and I don't love you that much." –Conan O’Brien

It's been projected that Americans will spend over $13 billion this Valentine's Day. And guys who forget Valentine's Day will spend over $100 billion. –Conan O’Brien

Last night Adele won six Grammys. The wins made Adele so happy, she now has nothing left to sing about. –Conan O’Brien

The Beach Boys reunited at the Grammys. They're headed out on tour for their 50th anniversary. Now when they sing about surfing, they mean surfing the Internet for discounted prostate medication. –Conan O’Brien

The original Barbie is now worth $10,000. You know what means? I have 80 grand displayed on my nightstand. -Craig Ferguson

Today in New York City is the Westminster Dog Show. It's the Oscars of dog shows. The Westminster Dog Show and the Oscars are very different, of course. One's nothing but yapping and butt-sniffing. The other one's the dog show. -Craig Ferguson

Valentine's Day is weird. A nude flying baby that shoots arrows isn't a holiday. It's a horror movie. -Jimmy Kimmel

Here's a good tip. If your girlfriend or your wife gives you that speech about how she doesn't care about Valentine's Day and how it's a holiday invented by corporations, don't fall for it. -Jimmy Kimmel

Some election news. This weekend was the Maine caucuses. And here’s the crazy part — Adele actually won that, too. –Jimmy Fallon

Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren't suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of ‘The View.’” -Jimmy Fallon

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 01/20/12

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

"Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita." –Jay Leno

"President Obama will be going to Disney World where he'll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?" –Jay Leno

"Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver's license." –Jay Leno

"A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards' trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don't all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?" –Jay Leno

"Because of a protest, starting at midnight, Wikipedia is going to shut down for 24 hours. In fact, it's 11:05, so you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong." –Conan O'Brien

"At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk." –Conan O'Brien

"King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, 'I'm telling Kim Jung Mom.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is visiting Disney World on Thursday to promote a new plan to boost tourism. Of course, it's going to be awkward when he walks into the 'Hall of Presidents' and sees them making room for Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama doesn't pay admission to Disney World. He just charges it to the China section of Epcot." –Jimmy Fallon

"The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, 'Things you were probably doing already.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame." –Jimmy Kimmel

"At the first Republican debate, they were standing behind podiums, then they had them at a round table, and then one night they had them in bunk beds." –David Letterman

"Wikipedia is going dark to protest a bill that's before Congress. I know what you're thinking: 'If Wikipedia is dark, who'll supply America with bogus facts?'" –Craig Ferguson

"This SOPA bill is aimed at going after Internet pirates. Not old-school pirates, but the modern pirates, who use hard drives." –Craig Ferguson

"On one hand, this bill threatens free speech, the bedrock on which this country is founded. On the other hand, it's supported by Viacom, which owns CBS." –Craig Ferguson

"The bill was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It's because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they've already made." –Craig Ferguson

There's a new app that lets you post a message on Facebook after you die. Now you can finish off that message you were typing right before you got into the head-on collision. -Jay Leno

According to a Washington Post poll, 84 percent of Americans do not approve of the way Congress is doing its job. Sixteen percent weren't even aware Congress is doing a job. -Jay Leno

An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets. -Jay Leno

To protest an Internet censorship law, Wikipedia has shut down for 24 hours. So if anyone is trying to look up by bio on Wikipedia, I'm 31, an Olympic medalist, and married to Scarlett Johansson. –Conan O'Brien

To help working mothers in Indonesia, a company is providing breast milk couriers. What happens is the courier takes the milk from the factory where the mother works and takes it to the factory where the baby works. –Conan O'Brien

They found an opossum on the subway, and not only that, but in the opossum's pouch, they found a loaded weapon. –David Letterman

Here's what we know about the opossum. What they do is pretend to play dead so predators will leave them alone. Well, isn't that everybody on the subway?  –David Letterman

From nose to tail, it was two feet long. And it was so big, at first the transit authority thought it was a small New York City rat.  –David Letterman

President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words “Obama” and “well done” appeared in the same sentence. –Jimmy Fallon

Last week, a British Airways crew mistakenly told passengers that their plane was about to crash into the ocean. They made an even scarier announcement later: “Your in-flight movie will be ‘Yogi Bear.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Yeah, the crew told passengers their plane was about to crash, but it turns out a flight attendant hit the wrong button. I don’t know what’s worse — getting lied to about crashing into the ocean, or knowing it happens so often there’s a button for it. –Jimmy Fallon

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a day everyone in my studio audience decided to celebrate by seeing the whitest man on television. –Conan O'Brien

According to a study, the third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. Yeah, especially if you're a Broncos fan who supports Jon Huntsman. –Conan O'Brien

One of the products unveiled at the Consumers Electronics Show is a remote for your television that you control with your mind. When you think “on,” it turns on the TV. When you stop thinking completely, it turns on "Jersey Shore.” –Conan O'Brien

From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street. –Craig Ferguson

Some of the guys who escaped from Alcatraz made dummies of their heads and put them in their beds to fool the guards. I did the same thing here last time I interviewed Regis Philbin. He never figured it out. –Craig Ferguson

The most famous Alcatraz inmates are probably Al Capone and Machine Gun Kelly. But I think Machine Gun Kelly was destined for a life of crime. –Craig Ferguson

Some big election news. Jon Huntsman has officially dropped out of the 2012 presidential race. Wow, not having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail is gonna be like . . . Well, it’s gonna be like having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail. –Jimmy Fallon

During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, “I'm also lonely!” –Jimmy Fallon

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Jack Benny and George Burns Jokes

Here are some jokes from two classic comedians, Jack Benny and George Burns, who were also good friends so it appropriate to post their jokes together:

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Jack Benny

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
Jack Benny

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
Jack Benny

Modesty is my best quality.
Jack Benny

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Jack Benny

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
George Burns

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
George Burns

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
George Burns

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
George Burns

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
George Burns

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