Friday, January 7, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 01/07/11

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians this week including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Jon Stewart:

"The last speaker, Nancy Pelosi has a frozen face and John Boehner has an orange face. If you put them together, you've got the Creamsicle of the House." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history. Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste time and not get work done." –Jimmy Fallon

"Thousands of birds fell dead in Arkansas. It's either al-Qaida, or Dick Cheney is hunting again." –David Letterman

"Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the Obama kids that the dog has to go back." –David Letterman

"President Obama plans to sign a $1.4 billion food safety bill. The most dangerous thing about American food? The portions." –Jay Leno

"They now say that our national debt will have to be paid off by our children. So thank God for Kate Gosselin and the Octomom." –Jay Leno

"The commander of the USS Enterprise was relieved of duty because of his involvement in making raunchy videos while onboard the Navy ship. The good news: Today he was offered a job as a producer on 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jay Leno

"Jerry Brown is Governor of California again. How California is that, hooking up with your ex years later?" –Jay Leno

"Why is it no human being can withstand more than two years as a presidential press secretary? There must be an organ somewhere in the body that can only filter two years worth of heavy duty bullsh*t." –Jon Stewart on Robert Gibbs' retirement

"The captain of the USS Enterprise aircraft carrier has been relieved of command for appearing in raunchy videos on the ship. They are calling this the most embarrassing video involving Navy personnel since that guy from the Village People." –Jay Leno

"This weekend in Arkansas, thousands of dead birds dropped out of the sky and there were 100,000 dead fish in the rivers. Also, McDonald's is having a special on Chicken McNuggets and Filet of Fish." –Jay Leno

"Apparently this is Arkansas' version of the New Year's Eve ball drop." –Jay Leno

"You know why I think the birds fell out of the sky? Tweeting." –Jay Leno

"It's so cold back east, Christine O'Donnell is using her leftover campaign funds to buy a new house in Florida." –Jay Leno

"Christine O'Donnell is being investigated for using campaign funds to pay for personal expenses. I think it's a witch hunt." –Jay Leno

"Snooki is now a published author. I’m blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar." –David Letterman

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