Friday, January 14, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 01/14/11

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians this week including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien and Craig Ferguson:

" Sarah Palin’s reality show will not be returning as she contemplates a possible run for president in 2012. When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin should pick The Situation from 'Jersey Shore' as her vice president. That way, we can get rid of two reality shows at once." –Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao will be at the White House next week. The good news is, he has no plans to foreclose. We can stay another month." –Jay Leno

"Former U.S. House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, has been sentenced to three years in prison. One year for money laundering and two more for his performance on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"Sad news. It looks like 'Sarah Palin's Alaska' won't be back for a second year. How does that make her feel? She was governor, almost vice president. She gets one year. Snooki's on her third year." –Jay Leno

"Due to the recession there are now 15,000 less lawyers. Nobody ever talks about the good things that happen because of the recession." –Jay Leno

"Police are looking for a man in Phoenix who robbed a bank and told the teller he wanted the money in twenties, forties and sixties. Authorities believe he could be one of President Obama's economic advisers." –Jay Leno

"San Francisco celebrated the opening of the nation's first gay history museum. The museum is called 'San Francisco.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The date 1/11/11 only happens once every hundred years. When Larry King heard, he said, 'This again?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Wikipedia is 10 years old this week. Well, I read that on Wikipedia, so it's probably not true." –Craig Ferguson

"The two biggest websites right now are Wikipedia, where you go to learn about things you care about, and Facebook, where you go to learn about people you stopped caring about years ago." –Craig Ferguson

"Last night was possibly the last show ever of 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' for several reasons. She might run for President and would have to abide by the equal time rules. Also, she just likes to quit things." – Jimmy Kimmel

"John Edwards has denied 'The National Enquirer' story that he asked his mistress to marry him. Who are you gonna believe, the sleazy purveyor of lies or 'The National Enquirer'?" –Jay Leno

"A new study shows that a woman's tears can chemically lower the level of testosterone in a man. When that happens, the man will also start to cry and then eventually be elected speaker of the House." –Jay Leno

"Illinois officials report that drug sniffing dogs are wrong as much as 70 percent of the time — probably because they're sniffing drugs all day." –Jay Leno

"The Obama administration announced that the economy added 103,000 new jobs in December — mostly to homeless radio announcers." –Jay Leno

"Over 400 people have volunteered to take a one-way trip to Mars to begin colonization. The last people we want starting a civilization on Mars are the people that volunteer to do it." –Jimmy Fallon

"California Congresswoman Lynn Woolsey referred to the war in Afghanistan as a 'national embarrassment.' Then she watched the premiere of 'Jersey Shore' and was like, 'Never mind.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Lawmakers are getting tough on bullying. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie signed some of the toughest anti-bullying laws in the nation. Then someone gave Christie a wedgie and said, 'Ha ha. You've got a girl's last name.'" –Conan O'Brien

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