Monday, January 31, 2011

Burns and Allen Routines

Here are some excerpts of the radio show of the classic comedy team George Burns and Gracie Allen:

George: Gracie, what day is it today?
Gracie: Well, I don't know.
George: You can find out if you look at that paper on your desk.
Gracie: Oh, George, that doesn't help. It's yesterday's paper.

George: Look, it's got a coat of arms. It's a bonified castle.
Gracie: Oh, that's where Napolean came from.
George: Napolean?
Gracie: Yes, Napolean Bonified.

George: ...Since the 15th century Totley castle has been the seat of the earl of...
Gracie: Oh, George, you must get rid of that Brooklyn accent. You mean "oil."
George: No, I mean "earl." "Oil" and "earl" are two different things. You're daddy doesn't go to bed "oily" did he?
Gracie: He did when he worked for the gas station.
George: Listen, Gracie. In England there are different titles for the nobility: lords, dukes, earls,...
Gracie: Oh, that's my daddy. If he ever gets his dukes on the earl company's money, Lord help him! I made that up myself.
George: You did?
Gracie: Yeah!

Fred Astaire: Good old Totley castle.
Gracie: Isn't it beautiful? It's almost pretty enough to be a filling station
George: Filling station? This castle is more than 300 years old.
Fred: Oliver Cromwell went through here in 1648.
Gracie: Well that was good time in those days.
Fred: I mean he went through the castle, Gracie.
Gracie: Couldn't stop the car, huh?
George and Fred: No! Couldn't stop the car!

Keggs (butler/tour guide of Totley castle): Admission is one shilling.
Gracie: Well, we usually get more than that, but give us our shillings and we'll go in.
Keggs: But I don't pay the people madame, the people pay me.

Gracie: Oh, well then give me my money back.
Keggs: But you didn't give me any money!
Gracie: That's not my fault!
George: Here's your money mister.
Keggs: Thank you! [George enters the castle]
Gracie: How much did he give you?
Keggs: Two shillings.
Gracie: And how much is the admission?
Keggs: One shilling.
Gracie: Oh. Well, give me my change!
Keggs: Oh, I beg your pardon madame. I was a little confused for the moment.
Gracie: Uh-huh.

Gracie: Oh, George. Imagine meeting a deep-sea diver here of all places.
George: Deep-sea diver? That's a suit of armor.
Gracie: Mr. Armor must be somewhere in his underwear, he's not in his suit.
George: Probably stepped out for a smoke.
Gracie: Oh.

George: Does he heard sheep?
Gracie: Oh, George, you can't say "does he heard sheep." You should say "does he hear sheep" or "has he heard sheep," but you can't say...
Together: ..."does he heard sheep." NO.

Gracie: Come on, George. It's lots of fun having fun even if you DON'T enjoy it.

Scene: inside the tunnel of love
Reggie (Gracie's escort): Lovely weather, isn't it?
Gracie: Yah, it's a shame we can't see it.
Reggie: Rather.
Gracie: By the way did you see the papers this morning?
Reggie: No, did you see them?
Gracie: No but I wish this were yesterday. Although I didn't see the papers yesterday morning. Did you see the papers yesterday morning?
Reggie: No.
Gracie: I never see the papers, but they're nice to talk about.
Reggie: Yes, they're so true to life.
Gracie: Oh, aren't we all?



[music stops]
Gracie, how is your cousin?

You mean the one who died?


Oh, he's fine now.

Music! [music starts and the dance continues]

[music stops]
Gracie, how's your uncle Harvey?

Oh, last night he fell down the stairs with a bottle of scotch and never spilled a drop.


Yeah, he kept his mouth closed.

[music starts and dance continues]

[music stops]

My sister Bessie had a brand new-baby.

Boy or girl?

I don't know, and I can't wait to get home to find out if I'm an aunt or an uncle.

[music starts and dance continues]

[music stops]
A funny thing happened to my mother in Cleveland.

I thought you were born in Buffalo.

[music up--and into dancing exit]

Well, that was the routine Gracie and I did the first time at the Palace. And we were really a big hit. I know, I was there.--George Burns

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