Here are some funny quotes by three different comedians:
Quotes by Spike Milligan
"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
"In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife."
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."
"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it ."
Quotes by Denis Leary
"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
"We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest. Yoko Ono is standing right next to him. Not one F**king bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that to me!"
"Life sucks. Get a F**king helmet, okay?"
"Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct."
"There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid!"
"I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with."
Quotes by Tommy Cooper
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"
"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
"So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again. And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"
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