Monday, January 17, 2011

Some More Funny One-Liners from Famous Comedians

Here are some very funny jokes from mostly well know comedians:

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
Roseanne

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
Ray Romano

We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers. They would call it On Anon Anon.
Paula Poundstone

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx

There’s only one difference between Catholics and Jews. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
Elayne Boosler

I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Erma Bombeck

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner.
Lynda Montgomery

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
George Carlin

Every day people are straying away from the church, and going back to God.
Lenny Bruce

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, Let there be light! And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
Ellen DeGeneres

A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman knows.
Monica Piper

I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts: I wanna know your name…
Mike Binder

Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car.
Carrie Snow

I’m not a good lover, but at least I’m fast.
Drew Carey

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