Funny One-Liners from Famous Comedians

Here are some funny one liners from some famous and some not as famous comedians but they are all a good laugh:

Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
Bob Ettinger

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Ellen DeGeneres

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.
Jake Johansen

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’
Paula Poundstone

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
Warren Hutcherson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
Sue Murphy

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’
Jerry Seinfeld

I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.
Joel Lindley

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
Tim Allen

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn’t want to go, because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.
Wendy Liebman

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin

My favorite animal is steak.
Fran Lebowitz

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