Friday, April 30, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/30/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.

"Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in American history. A hundred people have been stopped already — and that was just in one van." –Jay Leno

"Congress has voted against giving itself a pay raise. They thought giving themselves a pay raise now would be unpopular. I think giving them any pay at all right now is unpopular." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's National Security Adviser James L. Jones apologized for telling an ethnic joke at a speech. Political insiders were shocked — someone said something stupid and inappropriate and it wasn't Joe Biden?" –Jay Leno

"George W. Bush's memoir is coming out in November. It's called 'Decision Points' and it's about big decisions in his life. I've already made a decision not to read it." –David Letterman

"Bush is working very hard on the book, making revisions. In fact, his computer screen is covered with White-Out." –David Letterman

"They asked him if he used a ghostwriter and he said, 'No, the guy's still alive.'" –David Letterman

"How many people are here just because you're hiding from the Arizona police?" –David Letterman

"Gov. Rick Perry of Texas shot a coyote while he was jogging. Who carries a gun while jogging? I can barely manage my iPod." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a Goldman Sachs hearing yesterday, Sen. Carl Levin used the S-word 11 times on live television when quoting an e-mail. Which begs the question — if a guy swears on C-SPAN and there's no one watching to hear it, does he really make a sound?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rolls-Royce is offering the Pentagon a special deal on engines for the Joint Strike Fighter jet. Not to be outdone, Toyota is offering a special deal on engines for kamikaze pilots." –Jimmy Fallon

"The famous scientist Stephen Hawking says in a new documentary not only does he believe aliens exist, he believes we should not make contact with aliens because they could be very angry beings, especially aliens from Arizona." –Jay Leno

"As you know, Arizona recently passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. The idea behind this bill is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles." –Jay Leno

"This new law is pretty strict. You can't use the slogan 'what can brown do for you?' anymore. Can't even use that." –Jay Leno

"The top executive of Goldman Sachs testified before Congress today, which proves crooks always return to the scene of the crime." –Jay Leno

"So today you had lawyers, congressmen and bankers in the same room. That's like the trifecta of lying." –Jay Leno

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