My wife had to go into the hospital this last week. Having been a fan of “Grey’s Anatomy” I couldn’t help wondering which nurses and doctors were sleeping together. And where is that “on call” room where all this medical sex is taking place?
Oddly enough, the nurses and doctors weren’t all a bunch of hotties having sex like rabbits in heat. Actually, they looked like the average person on the street. Also, no recoveries from any illnesses took place within a one hour time period. In fact, my wife’s operation took more than an hour all by itself and that didn’t account for any residents fighting over who would get to operate on her or any of those other “Grey’s” dramatics. I couldn’t understand it. The programs seems so real.
When you check into this $15-20,000 a night hotel they don’t tell you that all the nurses were trained at “stick’em-prod ‘em-poke’em-and needle ‘em R-US”. And they particularly like to do their duties just as the patients fall asleep. I’m pretty sure they have sensors to alert the nurses so that they can wake you as soon as you fall asleep, because if you get well they can no longer charge you that $15-20,000 rate.
Interestingly enough, when they give you a menu for your meals with 2 choices they don’t have a price. That’s because the jello alone is $500 and they don’t let you “brown bag it” to save money. Besides that, if you brought your own food it might have some actual flavor to it. They want you to think that it is because you are sick that that the food has no flavor.
Of course, that’s for the one’s who are lucky enough to get food. Some people get their food in a bag, as in IV bag. You kinda have to imagine that steak is dripping into your veins but it loses something in the translation. I did make a point of telling the nurse not to expect a 20% tip for the meal in a bag that she delivered to my wife, which I’m sure had to cost $1,000.
It’s not that I’m complaining that the hospital was expensive but I think the deductible on our insurance was used up when we called the hospital to tell them we were arriving.
When you check into the hospital you have to fill out many, many, many forms, some of which even have to do with medical history (did I mention there were some forms to fill out.). It really doesn’t matter what you say on these form, apparently, because throughout your stay you’ll be asked these same questions about 5,000 times per day anyway.
While there are signs on the walls telling you to ask questions, don’t ever expect any answers. To be fair, they don’t tell you they are going to answer, just that you should ask. There is also a parade of doctors that will come into your room, most of which you have no idea who they are and it is likely you will never see them again. But if they walk into your room they get to charge a fee so that seems fair enough.
I made the mistake of asking my wife’s doctor, Dr. SliceNdice, a question. (Disclaimer: I’m sure many doctors are not like this. This was just my experience.) After my first question there was a strange silence, which was followed by a steam being from the ears and his face turned the color of a beet. He finally replied, ”I am God, Lord over all. You will do as I say or you will be drawn and quartered with some of the most modern medical equipment known to science. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”
I told him I did, but when he walked away I got him back by making a “face” and stuck out my tongue at him. Nobody messes with me!
While the resulting operation was a success and I’m thankful the hospital was there I think I prefer my medical experiences to come from episodes of “Grey’s Anatomy”. And, by the way, I’m still looking for that “on call” room.
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