Since I had some computer problems the other day and we are also at Thanksgiving it made me pause and wonder what it would have been like if the Pilgrims would have had access to a computer. (What can I say? I had some free time since my computer wasn’t working.) Anyway, this is what I came up with:
Female Pilgrim: Husband, I need thouest to Google something for me.
Male Pilgrim: (Big smile) Oh, I would be happy to Google thou. I did not think thouest would be in the mood for, ahem, Googling since the Indians and all the other Pilgrims are coming over and all the cooking thouest needs to do.
Female Pilgrim: No, no, thouest is a moron. To Google something is not a euphemism for sex, it means to get information about something on our new computer. I want to know how long I’m supposed to cook this turkey.
Male Pilgrim: Oh that, yeah, I cannot. Windows is not working.
Female Pilgrim: I must say, thouest’s English certainly does sucketh. You should say the windows are not working. What does that matter anyway? It’s November in New England. We don’t need the windows open.
Male Pilgrim: No dearest, wife. Windows is the operating system on the computer. If it is not working I cannot Google anything or do anything else on the computer for that matter.
Female Pilgrim: Oh, well, I guess that is good. That means thouest can’t look at porn now.
Male Pilgrim: No, no, no, darling. I only have eyes for you in thouest’s black dress with the sexy bonnet.
Female Pilgrim: Thouest are full of excrement from the cow. I saw thouest looking at picture of female Pilgrim’s ankles on the Internet the other day.
Male Pilgrim: Well maybe if I got to see your ankles more often I wouldn’t need to look at such pictures.
Female Pilgrim: (Frustrated) AHHHHHHH! Sometimes I wish those Indians had never even given us that computer. I think maybe we should just give it back to them.
Male Pilgrim: But then people would call us “Indian givers.”
Female Pilgrim: That is not what that term means! Thouest really are a moron!
Male Pilgrim: Whateverest.
Female Pilgrim: Ever since they gave us that computer all we do is fight. You spend too much time on Farmville instead of actually working.
Male Pilgrim: Well, thouest spends too much time on chat lines.
The camera (there had to be a camera in this movie that is going on in my head) pans the room and we see two Indians looking in the window. (That is an actual window not Windows from Microsoft.) They are laughing to each other and give each other a high five.
First Indian: They give us diseases, we give them computers.
They high five again.
Back to the Pilgrim couple.
Male Pilgrim: Well, if all thouest is going to do is argue with me, I'm going to watch football.
Female Pilgrim: Watch what?
Male Pilgrim: Football, it's an American tradition every Thanksgiving.
Female Pilgrim: (Exasperated) But this is the first Thanksgiving!
Male Pilgrim: Then I guess I'll be starting the tradition.
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