Friday, April 1, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 04/01/11

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians over the last week including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien,David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

Over a million female employees are suing Walmart claiming that women are paid less than men. Walmart denied the claim, saying they underpay all their employees equally. –Jay Leno

A museum of organized crime opened in Las Vegas. Actually, Las Vegas is the museum of organized crime. –Jay Leno

President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, “Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.” –Conan O’Brien

Obama said that one solution for using less oil is more nuclear power. He also admitted that he doesn’t follow the news. –Conan O’Brien

English farmers are feeding their cattle healthier food to reduce the amount of gas they produce. Farmers also say they won’t fall for the old “pull my hoof” trick. –Conan O’Brien

In an interview with ABC, President Obama said he has to do something about the bags under his eyes. In response, Nancy Pelosi was like, “Call this number and tell them Pelosi sent you.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that 55 percent of men expect to pay on the first date. While the other 45 percent have never been on a second date. –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's speech on Libya was scheduled early so it wouldn't interrupt 'Dancing With the Stars.' That's ridiculous. This is a major historical event that affects the lives of millions of people. I can't believe it was almost interrupted by Obama's speech." –Jimmy Fallon

"The latest episode of 'Dancing With the Stars' was preceded by Obama's new show, 'Dancing Around the Objectives in Libya.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Critics were saying Obama seemed defensive and slightly angry during his speech on Libya. Sounds like somebody's March Madness bracket isn't doing so hot." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations." –Craig Ferguson

"Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as 'blue' and his hair as 'ridiculous.'" –Conan O'Brien

"We're down to the final four now. Only four Middle East countries we haven't attacked." –Jay Leno

"President Obama spoke about our role in Libya. He's not sure when the war will end, what happens when we win, or how much it will cost, but other than that it was quite informative." –Jay Leno

"Obama wanted to update the American people on Libya but unless Snooki is going to Libya, the American people don't care." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama said the United States has clear and focused goals in Libya. He said he would share those goals with us as soon as Hillary shares them with him." –Jimmy Fallon

"A reporter in Florida claimed he was locked in a closet by Joe Biden’s staff to keep him from talking to people at an event. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Biden hadn’t been locked in there too for the same reason." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Census Bureau says 50 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S. You know what that means: 80 million Hispanic people now live in the U.S." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn't consult them before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us 14 trillion dollars in debt. I can't imagine why he didn't consult them." –Jay Leno

"President Obama addressed the nation on Libya. This changes his previous policy on Libya, which was, 'don't ask, don't tell.'" –Jay Leno

"Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a 'kinetic military action,' which sounds better than 'potentially endless quagmire.'" –Jay Leno

"In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman for the post office said those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be nothing but a fad." –Jay Leno

"About Libya, President Obama says we're staying for a short time and then leaving. That's what my relatives always say." –David Letterman

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