Funny Quotes About Christmas

Here are some funny quotes about Christmas and the holiday season, in general:

Christmas makes me happy no matter what time of year it comes around. -Bryan White

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. -George Carlin

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. -Dave Barry

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. -Johnny Carson

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip. –Gary Allan

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log. –Ellen DeGeneres

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. –Jerry Seinfeld

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. –Bernard Manning

Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time. –Doug Coupland

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas. –Robert Lynd

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. –Shirley Temple

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. –Phyllis Diller

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. –Bob Hope

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. –Jay Leno

Our children await Christmas presents like politicians getting in election returns: there's the Uncle Fred precinct and the Aunt Ruth district still to come in. –Marcelene Cox

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. –Henny Youngman

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. –Garrison Keillor

I love giving gifts and I love receiving them. I really like giving little kids extravagant gifts. You see their little faces light up and they get excited. If it's a really good gift, I love receiving it, like jewels, small islands. –Gina Gershon

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. -Erma Bombeck

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 11//29/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Basketball player, Kris Humphries has reportedly told Kim Kardashian that she has no talent and her fame would not last.  We may have an example of the pot calling the kettle black here, Mr. 5.6 points per game career average.

A transgender woman in Miami, posing as a doctor, is accused of injecting a concoction of cement, mineral oil and “Fix-a-Flat” into a woman’s butt in order to fill it out.  Now people are wondering if this is what made Nancy Pelosi’s face the way it is, or is this, actually, her face we’ve been seeing?  It could be her ass.

I thought of writing an article for my web site about what Congress and the President are doing for the economy but there was nothing to write about so no article.

Congress recently declared pizza a vegetable for school lunches.  What’s next?  Are they going to say there is a Supercommittee in Congress?...Oh wait…

The current cost of the items in the “12 Days of Christmas” song now costs over $100k.  Congress heard about this and, keeping with THEIR Christmas spirit, they want to impose a tax anytime someone sings the song.

A man claimed his sperm was stolen last week.  But that’s what happens when you leave your stuff lying around.

Michael Lohan did not get arrested for anything last week but he did have to have heart surgery.  Lindsay was in shock.  She didn’t know her father had a heart.

The Kardashian Christmas special might be cancelled but I’m not going to let that ruin my holiday fun.  I’m still planning to have a big ass Christmas celebration.

The NBA strike is over and illegitimate children all over the country are cheering because their mothers will get to receive their child support payments from the players.

Oklahoma has had its sixth earthquake in four days.  Apparently Mother Nature thinks Oklahoma is the new California.  Either she thinks California and a few other states have already fallen into the ocean, she is on Psychiatric drugs or she is now working for the post office and the earthquake delivery got lost.

Five people were arrested at the Occupy LA camp when they refused to leave after it was closed down.  Now they’ll get to occupy LA County Jail.  At least it will be cleaner and the food will probably be better.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 11/21/11 to 11/23/11

Here are David Letterman's Top Ten Lists from last week:

Top Ten Signs You Ate Too Much At Thanksgiving Dinner

10.You're sweatin' giblets

9.By the time everyone finished saying grace, you were having seconds

8.Like parade balloons, you require a dozen handlers to navigate you to the couch

7.To pry you from your chair, family slathers you in Crisco

6.Asked yourself, "What would Chris Christie do?"

5.Pants button popped and knocked out grandma

4.You're visible from the International Space Station

3.Your skin has taken on the hue of ham glaze

2.Your ass went from Kourtney to Kim

1.You have to loosen the buckle on your watch

 

Top Ten Super Committee Excuses

10."Spent too much time picking a cool name for the committee"

9."Got distracted by Congress's new 'Donkey Kong' machine"

8."Wasted time trying on each other's hairpieces"

7."When your options are to solve the national debt crisis or see the new Twilight movie, you see the new Twilight movie"

6."Quit early to get in line for the black Friday sale at Annie Sez"

5."It's the curse of the chupacabra"

4."We're assembling a special committee to come up with excuses"

3."It's Robert Wagner's fault"

2."Hey, normally it takes us twice as long to get nothing done"

1."President Santorum will figure it out"

 

Top Ten Other Articles In the Al Qaeda Magazine

10."How To Winterize Your Beard"

9."Sexiest Mullah Alive"

8."Turn Your Boring Kaftan From Drab To Fab"

7."Secrets To A Happier Arranged Marriage"

6."101 Steamy Waterboarding Positions"

5."What's the Right Shoe Bomb For You?"

4."2011 Motor Trend Camel of the Year"

3."An Interview With the King of Cool, Habib Clooney"

2."Budget-Friendly Ideas For Decorating Your Spiderhole"

1."Letterman Fatwa: What Took So Long?"

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Thanksgiving, Pilgrims and Computers

Since I had some computer problems the other day and we are also at Thanksgiving it made me pause and wonder what it would have been like if the Pilgrims would have had access to a computer.  (What can I say?  I had some free time since  my computer wasn’t working.)  Anyway, this is what I came up with:

Female Pilgrim:  Husband, I need thouest to Google something for me.

Male Pilgrim: (Big smile) Oh, I would be happy to Google thou.   I did not think thouest would be in the mood for, ahem, Googling since the Indians and all the other Pilgrims are coming  over and all the cooking thouest needs  to do.

Female Pilgrim: No, no, thouest is a moron.  To Google something is not a euphemism for sex, it means to get information about something on our new computer.  I want to know how long I’m supposed to cook this turkey.

Male Pilgrim:  Oh that, yeah, I cannot.  Windows is not working.

Female Pilgrim:  I must say, thouest’s English certainly does sucketh. You should say the windows are not working.  What does that matter anyway?  It’s November in New England.  We don’t need the windows open.

Male Pilgrim:  No dearest, wife.  Windows is the operating system on the computer.  If it is not working I cannot Google anything or do anything else on the computer for that matter.

Female Pilgrim:  Oh, well, I guess that is good.  That means thouest can’t look at porn now.

Male Pilgrim:  No, no, no, darling.  I only have eyes for you in thouest’s black dress with the sexy bonnet.

Female Pilgrim:  Thouest are full of excrement from the cow.  I saw thouest looking at picture of female Pilgrim’s ankles on the Internet the other day.

Male Pilgrim:  Well maybe if I got to see your ankles more often I wouldn’t need to look at such pictures.

Female Pilgrim: (Frustrated) AHHHHHHH!   Sometimes  I  wish  those Indians had never  even given us that computer.  I think maybe we should just give it back to them.

Male Pilgrim:  But then people would call us “Indian givers.”

Female Pilgrim:  That is not what that term means!  Thouest really are a moron!

Male Pilgrim:  Whateverest.

Female Pilgrim:  Ever since they gave us that computer all we do is fight.  You spend too much time on Farmville instead of actually working.

Male Pilgrim:  Well, thouest spends too  much  time  on  chat lines.

The camera (there had to be a camera in this  movie that is  going on in my head) pans the room and we see two Indians looking in the window. (That is an actual window not Windows from Microsoft.)  They are laughing to each other and give each other a high five.

First Indian:  They give us diseases, we give them computers.

They high five again.

Back to the Pilgrim couple.

Male Pilgrim: Well, if all thouest is going to do is argue with me, I'm going to watch football.

Female Pilgrim:  Watch what?

Male Pilgrim:  Football, it's an American tradition every Thanksgiving.

Female Pilgrim:  (Exasperated)  But this is the first Thanksgiving!

Male Pilgrim:  Then I guess I'll be starting the tradition.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 11/14/11 to 11/17/11

Here are David Letterman's Top Ten Lists from last week:

Top Ten Things We'll Miss About Regis

10.Smell of Bengay and Captain Morgan

9.The endless complaining

8.His stories about babysitting for Knute Rockne

7.Did I mention the endless complaining

6.The way he always lets you pay for dinner

5.Who do you think killed Osama?

4.The various talented actors who have played Regis

3.His antique car collection and his enormous chin

2.When the IRS busted him for skimming prize money from "Beautiful Baby Week"

1.This (VT: Shirtless Regis)

Top Ten Things Said To Me, Dave, Backstage At "Live! With Regis And Kelly"

10."And you are...?"

9."It's one of Regis' last shows -- try not to ruin it"

8."Hair and makeup? What's the point?"

7."Thank you for coming out of retirement to do our show"

6."Please tell me you're not Regis' replacement"

5."Gelman frisks all of the guests"

4."Just what we need, another whiny old guy"

3."Why is Regis quitting, and you still have a show?"

2."There he is -- get him!"

1."Right this way, Conan"

Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Herman Cain's Mind During This Moment

10."Libya? I remember Lydia, but I don't remember a Libya"

9."I told them politics was off limits"

8."Maybe if I hold perfectly still, everybody will think their DVRs are on pause"

7."Why the hell am I in Milwaukee?"

6."Uh, 9-9-9?"

5."What would Rick Dees do?"

4."I'm gonna be on YouTube!"

3."I should have called Bob Costas"

2."These things are a lot funnier when it happens to Rick Perry"

1."Well, it's been fun, see you in 2016!"

Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If Everyone Were Named Newt

10.Goodbye eggs benedict; hello eggs Newt

9.Beatles broke up because "Newt" couldn't get along with "Newt"

8.Trump would be known as "The Newt"

7.Still have a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend's name? No problem!

6.Santa now says, "On Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt, on Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt"

5.The mother on "How I Met Your Mother": Newt

4.When you tell your iPhone to call Newt, it says, "Be more specific, Newt"

3.On "Jeopardy," people just keep buzzing in and saying, "Who is Newt?"

2.When you just say, "Newt" with no last name, people know you're referring to Newt Winfrey

1.You know who ain't gonna be President? Newt Perry

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 11/22/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

PETA released an ad for Thanksgiving targeting kids saying, “If you wouldn’t eat a dog, why eat a turkey?”  All the kids from Korean and Vietnamese families in the United States are like, “What’s the problem?”

The Post Office lost $5.1 billion last year making it the most successful government organization in history.

President Obama is trying to get Bill Clinton to openly back him but Herman Cain is the most likely candidate to appeal to Clinton.

There was a video going around the Internet last week showing Obama as a college student doing a segment for Black History Week.  Even back then you could see how good he was with a teleprompter.

Rick Perry has accused Obama of thinking he’s the smartest guy in the room.  I don’t know about that but you certainly can’t argue with the fact that he is really good at reading out loud.

Rick Perry has also challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate.  If he can’t beat her at that he has a backup plan.  He’s going to challenge her to a facial expression contest.

Last week the Occupy Wall Street protesters occupied the New York City subways…because that’s where they thought they would find all the millionaires?

If the NBA strike continues it could start to become disastrous to many of the players when their next child support payments come due.

A man was arrested last week for shooting at the White House.  When asked why he did it he said, “Ah, it was worth a shot.”

Congress approval is at an all-time low and people are saying it can’t go any lower.  Congress is taking this as a challenge and they are putting their Supercommittee to work on the job.

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Late Night Takes on the Liberals

Here are a small sample of some jokes by the late night comedians about the liberals:

''Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That's right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it's already been slapped 12 times.'' —Conan O'Brien

''A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, 'Let me be clear.' The phrase he uses the least often? 'Let me be specific.''' —Jay Leno

''After Joe Wilson's outburst, everyone was shocked. Because usually when a politician shoots off his mouth and makes a fool of himself, his name is Joe Biden. ... But even Biden said he was embarrassed by Wilson's behavior. This is Joe Biden we're talking about. Joe Biden saying it's embarrassing is like an Australian bartender saying you've had too much to drink.'' —Craig Ferguson

''A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that's probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama's face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown.'' —Seth Meyers

''In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, 'If you want to go forward you put your car in 'D.' If you want to go backward, you put your car in 'R.'' But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F'd.'' —Jay Leno

''President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering.'' —Conan O'Brien

''A new poll shows that Tiger Woods' popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama's popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. ... I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job.'' —Jay Leno

''It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.'' —Jay Leno

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 11/15/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

Lady Gaga is going to have a Thanksgiving special this year.  In honor of the holiday she’ll perform in a turkey meat dress.

According to the Department of Homeland Security, Al-Qaeda may be targeting our food supply with deadly chemicals.  Sorry Al-Qaeda, Kraft, Heinz, Nabisco, Campbell's and a few others already beat you to it.

One of Herman Cain’s accusers said he made inappropriate advances and tried to reach up her skirt.  Obviously, he was not a politician back then or he would have not only succeeded in reaching up her skirt but would have successful in getting her to have sex with him.

Cain is being attacked for inappropriate behavior.  Nobody’s talking about Obama’s inappropriate behavior, such as Obamacare, where he didn’t just try but has succeeded in screwing the whole country.

Two gay penguins in a Toronto zoo are being separated and they are trying to pair them up with female penguins.  As part of the process neither penguin will be allowed to see any more episodes of the TV show Glee.

There is a Congressional Supercommitee in charge of finding at least $1.2 trillion in deficit reduction.  They are at an impasse.  There must be a definition of “super” that only Congress knows because from what I know of the word you could never apply it to anything to do with Congress.

Rick Perry has been accused of having brain freeze, which is likely a side effect of his cold heart when he approves executions.

In Georgia at a Taco Bell a deer jumped through the window.  Afterward, a Taco Bell spokesman gloated, “Now let’s hear people say there’s no meat in Taco Bell.”

Last week was International Fraud Awareness week.  So, technically, the entire government should have shut down, but being aware that they were fraudulent they decided to stay open.

Apple is working on 3-D technology that can be seen without glasses.  Someone should tell them that Mother Nature beat them to it with the invention of the eyeball.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 11/7/11 to 11/10/11

Here are David Letterman's Top Ten Lists from Monday, Tuesday and Thursday of last week:

Top Ten Rick Perry Excuses

10 There were three reasons why I messed up last night: 1. The nerves; 2. The headache; and 3. Um . . . Uh   . . Oops

9 I don't know what you're talking about — I think things went well

8 I was up late last night watching "Dancing With the Stars"

7 I thought the debate was tonight

6 You try concentrating with Mitt Romney smiling at you. That is one handsome dude

5 Uh, El Nino?

4 I had a 5-Hour Energy Drink six hours before the debate

3 I really hoped it would get me on my favorite talk show, but instead, I ended up here

2 I wanted to help take the heat off my buddy Herman Cain

1 I just learned Justin Bieber is my father

 

 

Top Ten Things The Candidate Doesn't Want To Hear On Election Day

10 “What? The election is today?”

9 “You need to sober up for your concession speech”

8 “You’re running for office? That’s hilarious!”

7 “There he is. Get him!”

6 “Your wife and your mistress are both here to see you”

5 “You’re losing the red states and the blue states, but you’re doing okay in the lesser-known yellow states”

4 “If pets are allowed to vote, I think we have a shot at this thing”

3 “The only endorsements we’ve got: Sylvio Berlusconi and Conrad Murray”

2 “Asteroid! Run for your lives!”

1 “Gloria Allred, Line 1”
 

 

Top Ten Signs Herman Cain Is Losing It

10 Plans to raise funds by suing himself for sexual harassment

9 Now smokes more than his campaign manager

8 Was recently found hiding in a drainpipe with a golden gun

7 Keeps asking voters if they want to touch his moustache

6 Claims Justin Bieber is his father

5 Campaigning as his hilarious alter ego, Pee-Wee Herman Cain

4 Just paid a visit to Dr. Conrad Murray

3 Spent last of campaign funds betting on the Colts

2 Gave rambling, drunken speech — oh I'm sorry, that was Rick Perry

1 He's engaged to Kim Kardashian

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 11/11/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien and David Letterman:

"As you know by now, a fourth woman has come forward and accused Herman Cain of sexual harassment. This woman gave the details, pretty graphic. She said that Herman Cain tried to put his hand up her. So now when Cain says he is reaching out to the American people, you know what he’s reaching for." –Jay Leno

"At the press conference earlier tonight, Herman Cain said he doesn't remember the woman, he doesn’t recognize her name or her face…her ass he kind of remembers…" –Jay Leno

"Earlier today Herman Cain rejected calls that he should withdraw from the race. He said, 'It ain't gonna happen!' That’s what he said. Ironically, that's what women say to him when he'd put his hand up their skirt." –Jay Leno

"If the Earth was visited by aliens, this would be a huge problem for the Republican Party. Michele Bachmann would want to deport them, Rick Perry would want to execute them, Mitt Romney would be undecided about what to do, and Herman Cain would try to take them up to his room." –Jay Leno

"Jon Huntsman, who is running for president, has 0 percent support. That means he's not even voting for himself." –Jay Leno

"The stock market plunged over 389 points because of financial news in Italy. They're calling this the worst Italian disaster since Olive Garden introduced that fettuccini alfredo." –Jay Leno

"After losing a lawsuit with the TSA, former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura says he's going to renounce his U.S. citizenship and move to Mexico. Hey, if he changes his mind, he can always sneak back in." –Jay Leno

"The Republican presidential candidates held a debate in Michigan. Just what Michigan needs: 12 more people looking for a job." –Conan O'Brien

"It was so beautiful in New York City today, that Herman Cain accusers were holding press conferences in the park." –David Letterman

"Herman Cain says he will not quit. He is going to stay in the race. You know what that means? He'll be gone in a week." –David Letterman

"There's another Republican presidential debate tonight. This one is focused on why there were so many Republican presidential debates." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney said he created thousands of jobs at governor of Massachusetts. Rick Perry said he created thousands as governor of Texas. Herman Cain said he tried to create a number of jobs for women but now he's getting attacked for it all of a sudden." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If I were Mitt Romney, I wouldn't show up anymore. I would just go to Hawaii and wait it out until the election, drink some caffeine free Diet Coke and watch Herman Cain and Rick Perry self-destruct." –Jimmy Kimmel

‎"The harassment allegations keep coming at Herman Cain -- like an uninvited hand up a pleated skirt." –Stephen Colbert

"There's a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain held a press conference today to deal with the sexual allegations. [Showed Tiger Woods apologizing.] I'm sorry. We had the wrong tape. Did Herman's wife come after him with a 9-9-9 iron?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's Tuesday. That means another woman has come forward to accuse Herman Cain of sexual harassment." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, 'We're still getting used to having a Muslim president.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Herman Cain said he would be willing to take a lie detector test. But that's kind of a double-edged sword. If he fails, his career is over. And if he passes and it turns out he's not a liar, he's obviously not cut out for politics." –Jay Leno

"A new poll taken abroad found that President Obama's policies are more popular overseas than they are here in America. That's because he's created more jobs overseas than here in America." –Jay Leno

"The White House says there is no evidence at all that earth has been visited by aliens. Do you believe that? We can't even find aliens sneaking across the border." –Jay Leno

Herman Cain is also taking some flack for saying that China was developing nuclear weapons, but they've had them since the 60's. I don't think he's that well versed on foreign affairs. Today a reporter asked him how he would handle Greece and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza before you put it in the box." –Jay Leno

"Big announcement from Herman Cain today. He's leaving the Tea Party and joining the T&A party." –Jay Leno

'The people beat Bank of America, who withdrew their $5 debit fee. Instead, the bank is going to replace that with a $60 annual fee." –Jay Leno

"Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech." –Jay Leno

"You're here on a special night because everybody in the balcony tonight is a Herman Cain accuser." –David Letterman

"Four women have accused Herman Cain of being inappropriate. That's got to remind him of the deal he offered back when he ran pizza joints: Harass four, you get the fifth free." –Craig Ferguson

"The latest castoff from 'Dancing With the Stars,' Herman Cain is here with us tonight. No, wait, I'm sorry. That's a joke from next year." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A fourth woman came forward with accusations of sexual harassment dating back to the late '90s. Her name is Sharon Bialek and her lawyer is Gloria Allred. I think Gloria Allred has a press podium in her living room for instances just like this." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We'll see what Herman has to say about this in 30 minutes or less or we'll give you your money back." –Jimmy Kimmel

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Differences Between Cats and Dogs

We’ve all seen many comparisons of cats and dogs.  Many people strongly favor one or the other, although some people are bi- household animal lovers and have both dogs and cats.  Very often we wonder what animals are thinking and we can only guess.  Fortunately, today we have Dr. Stevie Doolittle here to tell us what they really think and say.  (That’s me, by the way.)

First of all, you should know that cats always talk in a very snotty aloof British accent.  Not that all British accents are snotty, of course, but the ones that cat’s use is, like that of a billionaire’s English butler.  The exception to this is if your cat is from the south, then he talks in a slick southern plantation owner accent.  Most dogs don’t have a real accent except for the real small breed like Chihuahua, Pekinese, etc., pick you breed (also pick your accent.)  Dogs are always enthusiastic, but the smaller ones are sometimes antagonistic.  For example, if you walk past a yard that has a Chihuahua in it and he is barking vigorously at your ankles, what he’s really saying is, “This is my land.  Get away or I’ll scratch your eyes out, I’ll kill you, I’ll pulverize you, I’ll have you for lunch, etc.”

That’s what he’s saying until you step towards him or lightly stomp your foot at him.  Then as he’s running away he’s saying, “Whoa, whoa, I was just kidding, can’t you take a joke and just so you know I’m not scared I just thought I heard my human call me.”  Then he forgets why he was running away and comes back to barking at your ankles and the whole sequence starts over again.

If you ask a dog to shake his paw here’s what he’s thinking as he gives you his paw, “Sure, what else you want?  Wanna play? I can fetch.  Want your slippers? I’ll get the paper. I’ll sniff your butt if you bend over.”

Ask a cat to shake his paw and this is what you’ll get.  A smug stare followed by the thought, “I don’t do tricks.  But here’s one you can do.  You can kiss my…No, I need to train this imbecile better.  Get me some food and brush me and we’ll discuss this need to shake later on…if I can fit you in between naps.” And he walks away.

If you call a dog to come over where you’re at he’ll do so enthusiastically, wagging his tail, even if he was in a sound sleep when you called him and he’ll be saying, “Wanna play? I can fetch.  Want your slippers?  I’ll get the paper.  I can sniff you butt if you bend over.”

If you call a cat to come to you when he was in a sound sleep, which is pretty much always how they are, he may open his eyes to look at you, but if he bothers it’s only to give you the message, “You annoy me.”

When you compliment a dog he’ll get excited and wag his tail and say “Wanna play? I can fetch.  Want your slippers?  I’ll get the paper.  I can sniff your butt if you bend over.”

If you compliment a cat it will give you that long uncaring stare and say, “Duh, I know I’m beautiful.  Don’t expect a compliment in return.  I’m liable to defecate in your shoe for speaking to me.  Now, do something to serve me, you peon.”

I think you get the idea in the difference between cats and dogs.  This is neither meant as an endorsement or condemnation of either animal, it all has to do with what you want in an animal.  But one thing is for sure, if you are looking to get your butt sniffed, go for the dog.

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Late Night Occupy Wall Street Jokes

Here are some of the best jokes from the late night comedians about the Occupy Wall Street protests:

"More than 3 million people from Maine to Maryland lost power because of the snowstorms over the weekend. In New York, the Occupy Wall Street protesters are thinking of changing the name to 'I'm freezing my beard off.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That's the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen." –Jay Leno

"Earlier this week, a protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend. His exact words were, 'Will you occupy my parents' basement with me until I get a job?'" -Conan O'Brien

"This Occupy Wall Street movement is not going away. They called yesterday for a general strike, for people to stay home from work and boycott any spending – otherwise known as what we're doing already." –Bill Maher

"Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus." –Jimmy Fallon

"I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum." –David Letterman

"This Occupy Wall Street movement is now in 1,500 places all around the world. I was at the Occupy Beverly Hills today. It's two Jews at Starbucks complaining that the scones aren't fresh, but still it's a start." –Bill Maher

"The Occupy Wall Street protesters gathered outside Rupert Murdoch's house chanting, 'What do we want?' Murdoch interrupted saying, 'I already know, I hacked your phones.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The Occupy Wall Street protests continue to grow. They've started to attract a very unsavory element — celebrities." -Craig Ferguson

"The Occupy Wall Street protesters traveled around New York to stand outside the mansions of the most wealthy people in New York. Is that protesting or tourism?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's the 24th day of the Occupy Wall Street protests, also known as the largest homeless slumber party in the world." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some protesters brought their kids to the demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided to occupy Sesame Street instead." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over 700 people who were part of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations were arrested this past weekend in New York when they tried to block traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. Because there's nothing people on Wall Street hate more than not being able to get to Brooklyn." –Seth Meyers

"The Occupy Wall Street protests continued in New York City. Today the protests have been going on for four weeks now. That's longer than most NBC sitcoms last." –Jimmy Kimmel

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 11/08/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Scientist in England are building a laser they say is powerful enough to tear apart the fabric of space.  Ah!  It’s nice to know they are working for the betterment of mankind.  The scientists may also want to cut down on their consumption of Red Bull.

President Obama was in France for the G-20 summit of world economic powers.  What world economic powers?  The world’s economies are all messed up.  Calling any of the countries in the world today an economic power would be like calling an 80 year-old man, after a prostate operation, a sex machine.

We know the world economies are in trouble when Obama is one of the featured speakers.

Obama and the other world leaders were trying to convince the leaders of Greece that they needed to cut back on spending and reduce their debt.  Then the leaders from Greece spoke and showed the other world leaders, much to their amazement, that both the pot and the kettle were the color black.

Kim Kardashian’s marriage was doomed to failure from the start because her sister’s husband, Lamar Odom, is a much better basketball player than her husband is.

Last week, Vinny, from Jersey Shore, spoke to the students at Columbia University.  They didn’t bring him in for the students to gain wisdom from but to see what could happen if they party too much and don’t go to class.

With the reputation that Herman Cain is gaining with women he is likely to pull a lot of the democratic vote.  In fact, Bill Clinton has already crossed party lines to back him.

November is Vegan Awareness Month.  I hope the vegans are aware that the turkeys of America are in total agreement with that concept.

An 83 year-old male prostitute was arrested last week.  Police said he only charged $20/hour and that was just to break even on the cost of his Viagra.

The “Occupy Protests” have spread to other cities now.  The main reason they are spreading is because Americans are too lazy to travel to Wall Street so they do it in their own cities.  Next you’ll hear about the “Occupy the Reclining Chair in Front of My TV” protest.

The 20 year-old girl who says she is carrying Justin Beiber’s baby said their sex only lasted 30 seconds so I think it’s premature to say that he is the father.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists - 10/28/11 to 11/03/11

Here are some of David Letterman's Top Ten Lists from last week:

Top Ten Things That Have Lasted Longer Than The Kardashian Marriage

10.Chris Christie's lunch hour

9.A conversation with Regis

8.Every one of Brett Favre's "retirements"

7.The line at the Department of Motor Vehicles -- can I get an amen?

6.Herman Cain Chief of Staff, Mark Block's exhale

5.ABC's remake of "Charlie's Angels"

4.My fatwa

3.Muammar Qaddafi in the drain pipe

2."The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien"

1.This Top Ten list

Top Ten Matt Lauer Travel Tips

10.Get drunk before your flight, airplane booze is expensive

9.Try Greece, where the current exchange rate is one U.S. dollar equals all of their money

8.If you enjoy solitude, you might want to try New York City's Ed Sullivan Theater

7.Foreigners do not like it when you call them "Pappy"

6.You need a souvenir? You grab an extra suitcase from that baggage carousel

5.Try hiking on the Iran/Iraq border

4.When smuggling wildlife, remember: lizards in your shirt, monkeys in your pants

3.If you're in Florence and you want a great meal, you cannot beat the Olive Garden

2.Honeymooning with Kim Kardashian? Get refundable tickets

1.Never look at your hotel room under a black light

Top Ten Signs Herman Cain's Campaign Is In Trouble

10.Can't afford cigarettes for new campaign ads

9.It's been fun, but there's no way we're actually electing a guy named "Herman"

8.While campaigning, kissed a photo of himself and signed a baby

7.New campaign slogan "Mayday!"

6.Even Michele O'Bachmann thinks his ideas are nuts

5.He trails Qaddafi's corpse in the polls

4.Refuses to acknowlege the road to the White House goes through me, Dave

3.He's acting less fun-crazy and more crazy-crazy

2.Just accepted million dollar offer to pose nude in Playboy

1.There's a 0-0-0 chance he'll be President

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 11/04/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

"President Obama invited trick-or-treaters to the White House Saturday night and they had a very scary party. They sat in a circle, turned off all the lights and the kids read the president his poll numbers." –Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight, a bunch of rich kids came to my door, took all my candy and the other 99 percent of the kids in the neighborhood are now occupying my lawn." –Jay Leno

"The economy is still hurting. Thirty percent of Americans are so disillusioned, they are thinking of moving back to Mexico." –Jay Leno

"British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut." –Jay Leno

"Two women have accused Herman Cain of sexually suggestive behavior in the '90s. He said no. He was just explaining to them his 69-9-9 plan." –Jay Leno

"One kid wanted me to pay him $5 to give him candy. I asked who he was supposed to be. He said, 'Bank of America.'" –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain is having to respond to charges he once sexually harassed women. One German woman kept saying, 'Nein! Nein! Nein!'" –Conan O'Brien

"More than 3 million people from Maine to Maryland lost power because of the snowstorms over the weekend. In New York, the Occupy Wall Street protesters are thinking of changing the name to 'I'm freezing my beard off.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trick-or-treaters came to the White House for about an hour on Saturday. Conservatives are already accusing the president of seriously depleting our country's Tootsie Roll reserve." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The U.S. is sending a surveillance blimp to Afghanistan. We just have to hope the Taliban doesn’t have that new anti-surveillance technology: Eyes." –Jimmy Fallon

"I had trouble deciding on a costume today. I just thought I'd throw together whatever I had in my closet. Luckily for me, everything I had looked like something worn by Moammar Gadhafi." –Craig Ferguson

"The planet's seven-billionth person was born today. Of the 7 billion people in the world, no one is surprised that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced." –Craig Ferguson

President Obama has completed his annual physical, and he is in tip top shape. but it doesn't look like his insurance company is going to pay for it. –Jay Leno

Congratulations to Joe Biden, whose daughter just got engaged to an ear, nose, and throat doctor. She met the doctor through her father. They met in the doctor's office while he was trying to get the vice president's foot out of his mouth. -Jay Leno

The New York Mets are planning to move the walls of Citi Field in order to increase the number of homeruns they hit. Call me old fashioned but isn't that what steroids are for? –Conan O’Brien

Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said they should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first. –Conan O’Brien

Lindsay Lohan is going back to jail again, for 30 days. On the bright side, if she goes back to jail one more time, she gets a free sandwich at Subway. –Craig Ferguson

Anyway, 30 days isn't that long. It's like half a Kardashian marriage. –Craig Ferguson

I have a strict policy. I will not and do not publicize unsubstantiated rumors about anyone — unless they're very funny. –Jimmy Kimmel

Kim Kardashian and her professional basketball player husband Kris Humphries filed for divorce on Monday after being married for 72 days. I really thought they were going to make it to Thanksgiving. –Jimmy Kimmel

Kim is insisting that she really did marry for love and not publicity. She said her agent was very clear that a love marriage was the most lucrative, in terms of selling home video rights. –Jimmy Kimmel

Congress was hard at work yesterday. They voted 396-9 to reaffirm "In God We Trust" as our national motto. I still don't know why we would trust God after what he did to Kim Kardashian and Kris. –Jimmy Kimmel

Today a judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 30 days in jail for violating her probation. Or as Kim Kardashian put it, “30 days? That's like four marriages!” –Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of Kim Kardashian, yesterday Kim said that her decision to get married had nothing to do with publicity. Then she was like, “If you don’t believe me, just talk to my publicist.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that 46 percent of doctors have used Google or Yahoo to diagnose their patients’ symptoms. Yeah, last time I got sick, my doctor was like, “I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have ‘Server Not Responding.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Bank of America has scrapped plans for that $5 debit fee. They say, rather than doing something up front that offends people, they would get with us a $10 hidden fee we'll never see coming somewhere down the line. –Jay Leno

President Obama had his annual physical. Doctors say he is in excellent health, except his blood pressure. It's 70 over 14 trillion. –Jay Leno

In New York today Nissan unveiled the New York taxi of the future. Some of its amazing technological advancements include heated seats, reduced emissions, and a willingness to go to Brooklyn. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama just had a physical exam. He had it today and his doctor said Obama is physically active, eats a healthy diet, and stays at a healthy weight. So now I'm really starting to doubt whether Obama was born in this country. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama had his annual checkup and everything looks good. His cholesterol is down, his blood pressure is down, and his approval ratings are down. –David Letterman

A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I’m pretty sure this is why we're falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids' costumes. –Jimmy Kimmel

Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there’s any justice, the minute they’re done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that’s not compatible with their machinery. –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama gave candy to trick-or-treaters at the White House. Obama wanted people to like his costume, so he went as himself from 2008. –Jimmy Fallon

A school in China is being fined because children are too loud on its playground. Yeah, their teachers are like, “You kids are way too loud. Now hurry up and finish building this playground.” –Jimmy Fallon

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Fun In Airports

Many people get bored or discouraged when they have a long layover time in an airport when they are flying.  I say take advantage of the time and have some fun.  If you are thinking shooting spitballs at the TSA agent you would be wrong.  While that would be great fun and even a worthwhile hobby it would be too dangerous because of those pesky security camera they have all over the place.   But at least I know you are thinking the right way.

One of my favorite activities in airport, besides leaving other coffee company’s cups inside Starbucks stores, is the people movers.  It’s fun to act like you are in a hurry and have people move to the right so that you can make your “emergency” pass.  But it can also be a lot of fun to just ride back and forth on the people movers.  Although, to avoid looking like a crazy person who is just killing time (which is what you’d be doing) you have to act like you just went the wrong way.

This can take a great deal of acting skill and makes it all the more fun.  When you get off the people mover you have to stop and look like you just realized it’s very possible you went in the wrong direction.  You need to look in the direction you just came and back the other way.  Put your hands on your hips and scrunch up your face a little.  Then you look like you had the sudden realization that you went in the wrong direction.  You shake your head and laugh at how silly you were to go the wrong way and get back on the people mover in the direction from which you just came.  Be sure to have a big smile on your face and let it diminish as you get closer to the other end because you’ll have to do the same thing all over again.

One warning though, do not get to carried away with this little drill and start acting like a mime trying to get out of his invisible box because you might have people have a sudden urge to beat you.

While you probably thought people were watching your award winning performance from the start, once you’ve done this for an hour or two you will definitely have an audience so you’re going to want to carry a tip cup with you so you can be rewarded like any street performer would be.  So, really you can make this layover actually pay off.  It’s much better than just wandering in stores where you are likely to spend money.  With this you get to entertain yourself and make money, supposedly.

It really gets fun if you are with one or more people and they’ll play too because then you get to point and even pretend to argue with the other person about the direction you were supposed to go in.

If none of this strikes your fancy you can pretend you are a computer geek and can’t wait to get off the plane so you can immediately sit on the disgustingly dirty airport floors and get your Internet and e-mail fix.  Unless you are actually a computer geek, than go ahead and do that anyway, without pretending.

If none of this seems like fun you can always go back to what you thought I was going to say in the first place and shoot spitballs at the TSA agents.  Just to be safe though, see if you can get one of those invisibility cloaks like Harry Potter uses.  Or if you can’t locate one of those you can at least PRETEND you have one.

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Late Night Takes on Kim Kardashian's Marriage

This is but a sampling of the jokes that are yet to come from the late night comedians on Kim Kardashian's recent divorce filing:

1. Jimmy Kimmel Live host Jimmy Kimmel: "I hate to ruin the mood, but it's my duty as an American talk show host to report that after 72 days of wedded bliss, Kim Kardashian and her NBA player husband Kris Humphries are splitting up. She has decided not to pick his option up for another season."

2. The Tonight Show host Jay Leno: “To their credit, they did try 20 minutes of counseling. It just didn't work.”

3. The Late Show host David Letterman: “They started bickering at the altar -- now they’re fighting over custody of the cake.”

4. The Late Late Show host Craig Ferguson, after making a joke about the 7 billionth person being born Monday: "You know what's even more surprising? Of all the 7 billion people in the world, no one is surprised that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced."

5. Kimmel: "It's a shame. I thought they'd be together for at least another five to 10 Us Weekly covers."

6. Kimmel: "Kim has asked that her fans give her a complete lack of privacy during this time."

7. Kimmel: “I wonder what happens to that 20-karat engagement ring he gave her. You know, if nobody’s using it, I bet it would look great in my belly button

8. Letterman: "They’re planning a lavish divorce at the Laguna Niguel Ritz-Carlton with 3,000 guests.”

9. Kimmel: "I feel kind of cheated by all this. I cried during every minute of that wedding special, and I want those 11 hours of my life back now."

10. Ferguson: "If two celebrities who hardly know each other get married for a TV show can't make it, what hope is there for any of us?

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Late Night Takes on Kim Kardashian's Marriage

This is but a sampling of the jokes that are yet to come from the late night comedians on Kim Kardashian's recent divorce filing:

1. Jimmy Kimmel Live host Jimmy Kimmel: "I hate to ruin the mood, but it's my duty as an American talk show host to report that after 72 days of wedded bliss, Kim Kardashian and her NBA player husband Kris Humphries are splitting up. She has decided not to pick his option up for another season."

2. The Tonight Show host Jay Leno: “To their credit, they did try 20 minutes of counseling. It just didn't work.”

3. The Late Show host David Letterman: “They started bickering at the altar -- now they’re fighting over custody of the cake.”

4. The Late Late Show host Craig Ferguson, after making a joke about the 7 billionth person being born Monday: "You know what's even more surprising? Of all the 7 billion people in the world, no one is surprised that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced."

5. Kimmel: "It's a shame. I thought they'd be together for at least another five to 10 Us Weekly covers."

6. Kimmel: "Kim has asked that her fans give her a complete lack of privacy during this time."

7. Kimmel: “I wonder what happens to that 20-karat engagement ring he gave her. You know, if nobody’s using it, I bet it would look great in my belly button

8. Letterman: "They’re planning a lavish divorce at the Laguna Niguel Ritz-Carlton with 3,000 guests.”

9. Kimmel: "I feel kind of cheated by all this. I cried during every minute of that wedding special, and I want those 11 hours of my life back now."

10. Ferguson: "If two celebrities who hardly know each other get married for a TV show can't make it, what hope is there for any of us?

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 11/01/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

I was going to visit a haunted house for Halloween the other day but the house was foreclosed on so the ghosts were forced to move.

President Obama tried to get a new tax through for Halloween.  He wanted all families making more than $250,000 to give extra candy to trick-or-treaters.

Last week on CNN, Joe Biden said he hadn’t made up his mind yet about running for President in 2016.  So, even though Obama is not doing anything to create jobs at least Biden is, even if it only jobs for comedians.

When Moammar Gadhafi was killed he was shot in the temple twice.  Apparently, he didn’t realize the guy had a gun to his head.  If he had he could be alive today.  Gadhafi begged the guy, “Don’t taze me bro,” instead of “Don’t kill my murderous, cowardly ass, bro.”

Gadhafi being dead will solve one very big problem for the US press.  Now that he is gone they will no longer have to try to randomly figure out how to spell his name.

One more thought on Gadhafi, for Obama to take credit for killing him is like the democrats trying to take credit for the sun coming up in the morning.

If Chaz Bono had won “Dancing with the Stars” Obama was going to try to capitalize on that too and invite him to the White House so that he could capture the transgender vote.

According to a new Fox poll, 9% of Americans approve of the job that Congress is doing.  These 9% were criminals who were just admiring Congresses work.

Obama has also been inspired by the Occupy Wall Street Protesters.  He wants to make one of his campaign promises to be Occupy the White House.  It won’t be a problem when he loses since he never keeps any of his other promises either.

Since road kill is now legal to eat in Obama’s home state of Illinois, he is putting a positive spin on that by pointing out that his state is now feeding the poor without raising taxes.

Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce.  She has had sex videos that have lasted longer than her marriage has.

The FAA has ruled that a recent ski diving sex stunt, where the couple had sex in mid-air, did not break any rules.  Apparently , because the couple was practicing safe sex.

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