Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:
"President Obama invited trick-or-treaters to the White House Saturday night and they had a very scary party. They sat in a circle, turned off all the lights and the kids read the president his poll numbers." –Jay Leno
"Earlier tonight, a bunch of rich kids came to my door, took all my candy and the other 99 percent of the kids in the neighborhood are now occupying my lawn." –Jay Leno
"The economy is still hurting. Thirty percent of Americans are so disillusioned, they are thinking of moving back to Mexico." –Jay Leno
"British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut." –Jay Leno
"Two women have accused Herman Cain of sexually suggestive behavior in the '90s. He said no. He was just explaining to them his 69-9-9 plan." –Jay Leno
"One kid wanted me to pay him $5 to give him candy. I asked who he was supposed to be. He said, 'Bank of America.'" –Jay Leno
"Herman Cain is having to respond to charges he once sexually harassed women. One German woman kept saying, 'Nein! Nein! Nein!'" –Conan O'Brien
"More than 3 million people from Maine to Maryland lost power because of the snowstorms over the weekend. In New York, the Occupy Wall Street protesters are thinking of changing the name to 'I'm freezing my beard off.'" –Jimmy Kimmel
"Trick-or-treaters came to the White House for about an hour on Saturday. Conservatives are already accusing the president of seriously depleting our country's Tootsie Roll reserve." –Jimmy Kimmel
"The U.S. is sending a surveillance blimp to Afghanistan. We just have to hope the Taliban doesn’t have that new anti-surveillance technology: Eyes." –Jimmy Fallon
"I had trouble deciding on a costume today. I just thought I'd throw together whatever I had in my closet. Luckily for me, everything I had looked like something worn by Moammar Gadhafi." –Craig Ferguson
"The planet's seven-billionth person was born today. Of the 7 billion people in the world, no one is surprised that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced." –Craig Ferguson
President Obama has completed his annual physical, and he is in tip top shape. but it doesn't look like his insurance company is going to pay for it. –Jay Leno
Congratulations to Joe Biden, whose daughter just got engaged to an ear, nose, and throat doctor. She met the doctor through her father. They met in the doctor's office while he was trying to get the vice president's foot out of his mouth. -Jay Leno
The New York Mets are planning to move the walls of Citi Field in order to increase the number of homeruns they hit. Call me old fashioned but isn't that what steroids are for? –Conan O’Brien
Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said they should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first. –Conan O’Brien
Lindsay Lohan is going back to jail again, for 30 days. On the bright side, if she goes back to jail one more time, she gets a free sandwich at Subway. –Craig Ferguson
Anyway, 30 days isn't that long. It's like half a Kardashian marriage. –Craig Ferguson
I have a strict policy. I will not and do not publicize unsubstantiated rumors about anyone — unless they're very funny. –Jimmy Kimmel
Kim Kardashian and her professional basketball player husband Kris Humphries filed for divorce on Monday after being married for 72 days. I really thought they were going to make it to Thanksgiving. –Jimmy Kimmel
Kim is insisting that she really did marry for love and not publicity. She said her agent was very clear that a love marriage was the most lucrative, in terms of selling home video rights. –Jimmy Kimmel
Congress was hard at work yesterday. They voted 396-9 to reaffirm "In God We Trust" as our national motto. I still don't know why we would trust God after what he did to Kim Kardashian and Kris. –Jimmy Kimmel
Today a judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 30 days in jail for violating her probation. Or as Kim Kardashian put it, “30 days? That's like four marriages!” –Jimmy Fallon
Speaking of Kim Kardashian, yesterday Kim said that her decision to get married had nothing to do with publicity. Then she was like, “If you don’t believe me, just talk to my publicist.” –Jimmy Fallon
A new survey found that 46 percent of doctors have used Google or Yahoo to diagnose their patients’ symptoms. Yeah, last time I got sick, my doctor was like, “I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have ‘Server Not Responding.’” –Jimmy Fallon
Bank of America has scrapped plans for that $5 debit fee. They say, rather than doing something up front that offends people, they would get with us a $10 hidden fee we'll never see coming somewhere down the line. –Jay Leno
President Obama had his annual physical. Doctors say he is in excellent health, except his blood pressure. It's 70 over 14 trillion. –Jay Leno
In New York today Nissan unveiled the New York taxi of the future. Some of its amazing technological advancements include heated seats, reduced emissions, and a willingness to go to Brooklyn. –Conan O’Brien
President Obama just had a physical exam. He had it today and his doctor said Obama is physically active, eats a healthy diet, and stays at a healthy weight. So now I'm really starting to doubt whether Obama was born in this country. –Conan O’Brien
President Obama had his annual checkup and everything looks good. His cholesterol is down, his blood pressure is down, and his approval ratings are down. –David Letterman
A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I’m pretty sure this is why we're falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids' costumes. –Jimmy Kimmel
Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there’s any justice, the minute they’re done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that’s not compatible with their machinery. –Jimmy Fallon
President Obama gave candy to trick-or-treaters at the White House. Obama wanted people to like his costume, so he went as himself from 2008. –Jimmy Fallon
A school in China is being fined because children are too loud on its playground. Yeah, their teachers are like, “You kids are way too loud. Now hurry up and finish building this playground.” –Jimmy Fallon
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