Friday, November 5, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 11/05/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

"Election day is so over. We are going to have divided government now. The Senate and the House have become Dina and Michael Lohan, and we're all Lindsay." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Thousands of marijuana enthusiasts went to the polls this morning in California to support Prop 19. Unfortunately, the election was the day before." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Supporters of Prop 19 believed the new law would have raised billions of dollars in tax revenue and created thousands of jobs for people to be too stoned to show up to." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Christine O'Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. She's planning to retire to her house in the country where she'll lure children with candy and gingerbread." –Craig Ferguson

"You can tell it's winter. The Democrats have gone into hibernation." –David Letterman

"Voters didn't like how President Obama was handling the economy. Wait a minute — he was handling the economy?" –David Letterman

"All year long, the Democrats were telling people to 'get out and vote.' Then people told the Democrats, 'We voted, now get out!'" –Jay Leno

"I loved how the different news networks covered the elections. On MSNBC, it was called 'Election Night 2010: What Went Wrong?' At Fox News, it was 'Election Night 2010: Party!'" –Jay Leno

"Although many of her Republican colleagues were elected to the House, Christine O'Donnell ended up underneath it, with her feet curled up." – Jimmy Kimmel

"The Democrats lost the House. Big deal, a lot of Americans lost their houses. Why shouldn’t they?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The San Francisco Giants beat the Texas Rangers to win the World Series for the first time in 56 years. The fans back home celebrated with riots, overturning Priuses, throwing bottles of bio-dynamically farmed zinfandel and building huge clean-burning bonfires." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The final poll before Election Day shows that 55 percent of Americans plan to vote for Republicans, while 40 percent plan to vote for Democrats. I guess Obama is finally going to get that change he was talking about." –Jimmy Fallon

"It seems most experts are predicting that Republicans will win back the House tomorrow. When Americans heard that they were like, 'Wait, we can win back our houses?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama sent out an e-mail encouraging his supporters to take at least three friends with them to vote. That's not how people vote — that's how women go to the bathroom." –Jimmy Fallon

"California will vote on legalizing marijuana on Tuesday. So thousands of stoners will be at the polls saying, "Dude, just pass it ... and now let's go in and vote on Prop 19." –Jimmy Fallon

"Republicans are saying, 'It's time for a change.' And Democrats are saying, 'Stay the course.' And Charlie Sheen is saying, 'Where are my pants?'" –Craig Ferguson

"I don't know what Christine O'Donnell stands for, but I'm a late night talk show host, I need her." –Craig Ferguson

"Federal investigators have stopped a man named Farooq Ahmed  from a terrorist plot against the DC Metro system. You hear about this? Where he planned to bring Washington, DC to a stand still. Hey, you're a little late, okay? After two years of Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, John Boehner and Mitch McConnell, we're already there. All right? Mission accomplished." –Jay Leno

"Karl Rove said this week that Sarah Palin does not have the gravitas to be President of the United States. Sarah Palin is furious. She said as soon as she finds out what gravitas means she will respond, and harshly." –Jay Leno

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