Friday, November 12, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 11/12/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

"Twenty-thousand Indonesians protested "President Obama's visit to Indonesia. Apparently, 3 out of 4 Indonesians believe he's an American." –Conan O'Brien

"JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That's who I want looking for my missing luggage — the guy who's been trying to find bin Laden for 10 years." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Pentagon says it doesn't know who is responsible for launching a missile off the California coast on Monday. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia can't believe the awesome new video game they just found in the White House." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know if you guys saw this, but Bristol Palin made it to the semifinals of "Dancing with the Stars" last night. I'm not saying Bristol is going to win, but if there's one thing she's known for, it's going all the way. So I would put my money, put it all on Bristol Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is still out of the country but he's keeping in contact with Vice President Joe Biden to find out when it's safe to come back home." –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi is throwing a party to celebrate her time as speaker of the House. If you would like to get her a gift, she's registered at Bed, Bath and Don't Blame Me." –Jay Leno

"I'm not sure what kind of a party it will be, but I think we can rule out a tea party." –Jay Leno

"President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He’s going to keep traveling until he finds his birth certificate." –David Letterman

"President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money." –Jay Leno

"Republicans were complaining about the cost of Obama’s trip, and that he was staying at the Taj Mahal. It turns out he was actually staying at the Taj Mahal Express, by the airport." –Jay Leno

"Obama says India is one of our most important trading partners. We give them our jobs and they give us . . . Wait, what do we get?" –Jay Leno

"The president’s trip was cut short due to volcanic ash. That’s the second time his plans have been disrupted by ash. The last time was when the Democrats went down in flames." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and did you know this is fraud awareness week? Fraud awareness week comes the week after the election when people realize the person they elected is a huge fraud." –Jay Leno

"Former president George Bush has a new book out called 'Decision Points.' He's quite candid in this book. He talked about how he and Dick Cheney often clashed because of their different style. For example, Bush liked to shoot from the hip, whereas Cheney liked to shoot people in the face. Two different ways of coming at things." –Jay Leno

"Former President George W. Bush was on 'Oprah.' When asked about being the leader of the free world, Oprah said, 'It’s not bad.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama was in Indonesia today, and he spent a lot of his childhood there. It was like Dick Cheney going back to visit the Death Star." – Craig Ferguson

"President Barack Obama used to be known as 'Barry.' Barry doesn’t sound like a president, it sounds like a guy that gets drunk and throws up in the fish tank." –Craig Ferguson

"A company in China is selling a President Obama blow-up sex doll. Don't get too excited. It turns out most of its positions are very unpopular." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is in India. You know what they say — go where the jobs are." –Jay Leno

"Obama’s in India for two days and Republicans are already accusing him of being a Hindu." –Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi, who lost her position as Speaker of the House says she will seek to become the House Minority Leader. And really who better qualified to be House Minority Leader than the person who led their party to become a minority in the first place." –Jay Leno

"Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C. reported seeing a UFO today. Aliens, if you’re searching for intelligent life, you’ve got the wrong town." –Craig Ferguson

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