Here are some very funny quotes from a classic TV character from the 1970's.
“The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband being big enough to step back and see where the wife is wrong”
“Man was put on this earth to eat meat...The Bible says so dumbbell...I mean look it up will ya? All them old bible peoples, they was always eating meet; soon as they found out eating apples was wrong...It's true, on special occasions: goats and lambs. Who the hell ever hear of sacrificing a head of lettuce? You?”
“You can never buy beer, you just rent it.”
“I never said a guy who wears glasses is a queer. A guy who wears glasses is a four-eyes; a guy who's a fag is a queer.”
“Why don´t you go back to bartender´s school and take a college course in shut-up?
[On being reminded of his age by kelsey]”
“In response to a ridiculous statement by Edith: " I've gotta quote for you, Edith. --'A bird that always flies in the fog is called a dingbat.' "”
“An octopus has eight testicles.”
“...like the Jews and the Seventh Day Adventurists”
"God don't make no mistakes. That's how He got to be God."
"A woman doctor is only good for women's problems...like your groinocology."
"It's a proven fact that capital punishment is a well-known detergent to crime."
"That's the kind of luck poor Mr. Lincoln had the night he went to the movies....as he sat in John Wilkes' booth."
"That Meathead calls me a religious phonetic"
"No bum that can't speak poifect English oughta stay in this country...oughta be de-exported the hell outta here!"
"What do I look like, an inferior decorator?"
"10 bucks puts a whole different complexity on the situation."
"The lord may be smilin' on the sheeps, but they still wind up as lamb chops."
"They just wanna get rid of us old guys over 50 that's all, and put us out to pasture. Well I ain't ready to be pasteurized!"
Edith: Maybe we could take it back (a stroller) and exchange it for a bassinet. Archie: Don't be ridiculous Edith. The kid can't learn to play one of them till he's 13!
"I ain't got no respect for no religion where the head guy claims he can't make no mistakes. Like he's, waddya call, inflammable."
"He made us all one true religion, Edith, which he named after his son, Christian -- or Christ, for short."
"Honor thy parents. That's one of the Lord's Top 10 Commandments. That's right around covetin' your neighbor's cattles and wives and there"
"All kids are trouble, Edith. And I don't wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one."
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