Here are the best Jimmy Fallon jokes over the last year or so from his late night show:
''In his new book George W. Bush reveals that he considered dropping Dick Cheney in 2002 to show he was in charge, not Cheney. But then Cheney nixed the idea.'' —Jimmy Fallon
''Hey, the health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.''' —Jimmy Fallon
''Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir is going to be released on November 17th, and it's called 'Going Rogue: An American Life.' And critics say that it starts out okay, it get's really exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank.'' —Jimmy Fallon
''President Obama said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's new book, because she'll sell enough copies without him. Meanwhile, President Bush said he probably won't read Sarah Palin's book, because it's a book.'' —Jimmy Fallon
''The Supreme Court ruled that the government cannot stop corporations from spending money on political candidates. Which explains why Sarah Palin has accepted $1 million to change her name to Pizza Hut.'' —Jimmy Fallon
''During his acceptance speech, newly elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that his two daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? 'Four score and seven years ago,' 'Ask not what your country can do for you,' 'I have a dream,' and now, 'My daughters are both available.''' —Jimmy Fallon
''Massachusetts elects a Republican who drives a truck with 200,000 miles on it. It's a Chevy truck. Which is more hard to believe, that Massachusetts elects a Republican, or Chevy builds a truck that lasts 200,000 miles?'' —Jimmy Fallon
''A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.'' —Jimmy Fallon
''President Obama's teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered yesterday during a speech on the economy. Wow, even speeches about the economy are crashing.'' —Jimmy Fallon
''During his weekly radio address, President Obama said we've finally begun to put the brakes on this recession, which is good news. Unfortunately, the brakes were built by General Motors.'' —Jimmy Fallon
''In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat.'' —Jimmy Fallon
''CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it's all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain.'' —Jimmy Fallon
''The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car is fine.''' —Jimmy Fallon, on BP's oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico
''President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.'' —Jimmy Fallon
No comments:
Post a Comment