Friday, December 3, 2010

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 12/03/10

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and Jon Stewart:

"President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The head of WikiLeaks, Julian Assange, has gone into hiding. They say he's some place all alone where no one can find him. In fact, officials believe he may be hiding in a theater showing 'Burlesque.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama received 12 stitches in his lip after being elbowed in the mouth during a basketball game. Out of force of habit, he blamed George Bush." –Jay Leno

"The annual 'Christmas Village' in Philadelphia has been renamed the 'Holiday Village.' In fact, they're not Santa's reindeer anymore . . . They're now 'nondenominational venison.'" –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks continues to release thousands of classified documents, but some of the leaks are just gossip. Like the one saying Iranian President Ahmadinejad was once offered a 10 pm show on NBC. I guess they were just trying to ruin his reputation." –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks is the 250,000-page document dump, which like most post-Thanksgiving dumps, is fascinating to pick through. The site should not be confused with WookieLeaks, where a large furry creature pees on you." –Jon Stewart

"Happy 75th birthday to Woody Allen. It's not easy finding a card that says, "Happy Birthday, Dad, Husband." –Craig Ferguson

"WikiLeaks gets all the secret stuff, even the truth about Lady Gaga. Apparently there’s meat UNDER the dress too." –Craig Ferguson

"WikiLeaks shows our allies are also funding the terrorists. So we’re like the commissionless middlemen in a war we’re waging against ourselves." –Jon Stewart

"Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush." –Conan O'Brien

"WikiLeaks released more than 250,000 secret documents, some of which refer to computer passwords for world leaders. The most shocking revelation: Kofi Annan's password is 'BieberFan9.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A Senator from Oklahoma says he won't participate in his state's holiday parade unless they put Christ back in the title. So get ready for this year's 'Christ, It's Cold Out Parade.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama announced a two-year pay freeze for all federal employees. This means the next time the TSA agent is reaching into your pockets, he's looking for spare change." –Jay Leno

"Six in 10 Mexicans believe life is better in the United States. The other 4 out of the 10 already live here." –Jay Leno

"The Airport screening rule is they can only touch your breasts and groin area over clothes. Same rule my high school prom date had." –Jay Leno

"American Airlines is going to offer happy hour on its flights in December. TSA is feeling us up. The airline is giving us free booze. We don't even have to make Friday night plans anymore. Just book a flight." –Jimmy Fallon

"Federal workers have had their pay frozen for two years. The worst part is that the workers found out on WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it's because Joe Biden said it." –Jay Leno

"Monday was a big online shopping day called 'Cyber Monday.' Immediately followed by 'Identity Theft Tuesday.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama took an elbow to the face last week and had to get 12 stitches. He was in line at Best Buy trying to get a $49 Blu-ray player." –Jimmy Kimmel

"WikiLeaks is a website that gets a hold of classified information and releases it to the public. They get all kinds of top secret stuff: White House memos, government e-mails, the truth about Lady Gaga …" –Craig Ferguson

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