It’s almost that time of year again that when the clock strikes midnight people can justify acting liked a wronged postal worker… but in a good way. It is a way to bring in the new year, plus it gives people the opportunity to say, “I’ll act like a crazy person just this once and then I’ll resolve to do great things…but it’s really not a commitment because everybody breaks their resolutions anyway, but it feels good to say it at least.”
People sometimes make their New Year’s resolutions when they are hung over and you get things like world leaders resolving to solve difference with warring countries by playing best of three “paper, rock, scissors.” Then after they sober up they go back to being cranky old psychos who want to blow up the whole world except the part where they are standing. You also get men resolving to never leave the toilet seat up after going to the bathroom. But that’s only because when they were drunk they missed the toilet altogether so they figured there is no harm in making that resolution since they’re just not going to bother putting it up anymore.
Men, being the lazy, insensitive louts that we are, like to make resolutions that make us look good and also require very little work on our part. For example, something one of us might do is resolve to make every February 29th a day dedicated to their wife. She gets everything she ever wanted done for her on that day. Of course, since that only comes up once every four years you can hope your wife forgets or in the fine print of that resolution he can add “unless I’m not up to it for some reason (and that can include any reason I might come up with at that time).”
A woman would probably not make a man stick to his resolutions in regards to her, but a man would definitely make a woman do so. That’s because women are actually much nicer than men. And you can tell that in their resolutions. Men will often make their resolutions in the negative, like Larry King telling his wife he won’t cheat on her with her sister anymore…this would still make cousins and other relatives fair game. Or the Burger King Mascot might resolve to always give his first Whopper of the day only to his wife. Or Roman Polanski might resolve to only have strictly consensual sex with underage girls. Or Bo the White House dog could promise his wife that he would never have sex with any other bitch but her.
This is what men are like. We are selfish and tend to only think of ourselves. Women are sweet and virtuous and always have been.
If it seems like I’m being unusually kind to women here it’s because I made a resolution to be nicer to women in my articles. Now I can check that one off as a done and get back to normal in my next article. Whew! That’s a relief!
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