Here are some funny Christmas quotes and jokes from various comedians through the years:
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable. –Jay Leno
I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from." ~ David Letterman
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included." ~ Bernard Manning
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph." ~ Shirley Temple
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." ~ Joan Rivers
Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.' What denomination?' asked the clerk. 'Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?' said Maria, 'Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please.
"Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish, If it weren't for Christmas, We'd all be Jewish." ~ Benny Hill
"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven." ~ W.C. Fields
"Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year." ~ P.J. O'Rourke, Modern Manners
"Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live." ~ Dennis Miller
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