Appropriate to the Christmas season here are a few of David Letterman's top Ten Christmas Lists:
TOP TEN ELF COMPLAINTS
10. Bells on clothing target for jeers at truck stops
9. Need two pieces of I.D. to buy beer
8. Santa's union-busting goons killed a guy last spring
7. Black elves control the weight room
6. R&R weekends in Aleutians spoiled by trigger-happy shore patrol
5. Incredible markup at North Pole 7-11
4. Workmen's compensation doesn't cover "mistletoe-lung"
3. The Colonel practically runs my life (Sorry, that's a Elvis complaint)
2. Dead elves just tossed out on tundra
1. Santa only invites his favorites to join him in the Jacuzzi
(The Late Show)
TOP TEN ELF PICKUP LINES
10. I'm down here
9. Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy
8. I was once a lawn ornament for Bon Jovi
7. I can get you off the "naughty" list
6. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys
5. I'm a magical being. Take off your bra.
4. No, no. I didn't bake those cookies. You're thinking of those dorks
over at Keebler
3. I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man
2. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig
1. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners
(The Late Show)
TOP TEN CHRISTMAS TIPS FROM GENERAL ELECTRIC
10. If one light bulb in your house goes out, replace them all
9. Flourescent tubes make great Star Wars swords for kids
8. Blow-dryers can be used to keep food warm
7. Big corporations shouldn't commercialize this blessed season by handing
out bonuses
6. Keeping several TVs and radios on all the time creates a feeling of warmth
and intimacy
5. We heard that Sylvania bulbs give off some kind of poison gas
4. Same deal with Westinghouse
3. Electric toothbrushes should be left on all day to keep them loose
2. A G.E. industrial turbine makes a one-of-a-kind stocking stuffer
1. Warranties, like greeting cards, should be thrown out
(The Late Show)
TOP TEN UNSAFE TOYS FOR CHRISTMAS
10. Junior Electrician Outlet Panel
9. Hasbro's Slippery Steps
8. Black & Decker Silly Driller
7. Roof Hanger Paratrooper Outfit
6. Remco's Pocket Hive
5. Traffic Tag
4. Will It Burn? From Parker Brothers
3. Chimney Explorer
2. My First Ferret Farm
1. Ooh - You're Blue!, the Hold-Your-Breath Game
(The Late Show)
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