(My new humor book, "How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That" is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only $6.95. It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right away!)
As a man I can’t really understand why a woman feels a burning need to buy new clothing just because she is taking a trip. My girlfriend recently had to go somewhere for a couple of weeks and in the rush of getting ready it was an emergency to get to the mall to buy new clothing. I asked her why she couldn’t just wear some of the clothing that was in her closet. I got an eye roll and, “You wouldn’t understand.” That was definitely a statement I could agree with.
But the fact is (at least the facts as I see them) women have been this way down through the ages. I can just hear a pioneer woman as she is packing up the wagon to join the wagon train going west:
Woman: I am not getting onto that wagon until I get to the store and buy a new bonnet.
Man: What’s wrong with the bonnets you have now? Don’t you have like a dozen of them?
Woman: All of my bonnets are so last year! Have you ever even seen the cover of Pioneer Woman Weekly?
Man: Well, no not really, I’ve been working in the field and hunting for food and taking care of the animals.
Woman: (rolls her eyes and shakes her head)
Next, let’s take the time machine back a little farther to Roman times:
Woman: Since we are going to visit my mother I’m going to have to go buy some new stolas. (Author’s note: that is comparable Roman clothing for women to a toga…it’s not that I’m so smart, I googled it. And you thought I didn’t do research for these articles!)
Man: But, why? You have enough stolas to fill a chariot.
Woman: When we attend an orgy on this trip I’m not going to going to wear a stola that I wore to another orgy.
Man: But at a Roman orgy we are naked!
Woman: Duh, you have to wear clothing to get there. And , by the way, it will need to be designer. I’m not going to be caught dead wearing something off the rack and risk some other woman throwing the same outfit I had on into the a pile of clothing at the door.
Man: Well, I’m not buying a new toga, mine is perfectly good.
Woman: You men are so lucky, all your togas are the same color and design.
Man: Whatever!
Woman: (rolls her eyes and shakes her head)
Now we’ll go way back to prove my theory, back to prehistoric times:
Woman: If we are having dinner at the Flintsones’s tonight I’m going to need a new outfit.
Man: Didn’t I just skin a tiger for you the other day?
Woman: Yes and I heard Fred killed a tiger from that same herd. I’m not going to be wearing the same skins Wilma has on. (Author’s note again: I know a group of tigers is not called a herd but my research budget for this article has already been reached. Get over it!)
Man: Oh, man!
Woman: And, Grrgg, I want a Sabertooth skin!
Man: Okay, fine! Women!
Woman: (rolls her eyes and shakes her head)
So, there you have it, undeniable proof that woman have been obsessed with clothing down through the ages. And I’ll bet you if we took a look into the future you would see a woman in a space ship buying new clothing every time she and her husband were going to take off for a new planet. Yup! I just looked, it’s true!
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