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We are now into the tax season so it’s hard to not have a little attention on the IRS. Over the last week it’s also hard to not have had a little bit of attention on Charlie Sheen simply because his rants have been all over the news. I thought it would be fun to see what it would be like to have these two somewhat crazy subjects meet up so I imagined how it would go if Charlie Sheen would be audited by the IRS. Here’s what it was like:
IRS agent: Good afternoon, Mr. Sheen. Thank you for coming in. How are you today?
Charlie: DUH! WINNING!
IRS agent: …Okay then. Well, we have some tax deductions that are a little questionable. I’d like to go over them with you. Let’s start with this one. You have $3.6 million down here for travel expenses. How can that be?
Charlie: Are you kidding me? I’m a freakin’ rock star from Mars. You think space travel comes cheap?
IRS agent: Okaaay, we’ll come back to that one. Next, I see you have a major deduction for pet expenses. Unless you are an animal breeder that won’t be an allowable deduction.
Charlie: Again, kiddin’ me? I have a cat and if you know anything about me you know I have tiger blood! It’s like the cat is one of my children.
IRS agent: …Next, we have an unusual religious donation. Can you explain that?
Charlie: Sure can. I drink tiger blood and I gave it up for Lent, therefore it is a religious drink and I can deduct it.
IRS agent: But…that doesn’t even remotely make sense.
Charlie: I am all about winning. I don’t follow the rules that a troll like you would follow. I only care about WINNING, which I’m doing. (Blows smoke in the agent’s face.)
IRS agent: (coughs) As far as Lent goes, didn’t I hear you say you are half Jewish?
Charlie: Hey, I’ll be whatever I need to be to get through this freakin’ audit, man.
IRS agent: (exasperated) What is this deduction for art about?
Charlie: I just had a tattoo put on my wrist. (Shows him the “Winning” tattoo on his wrist.) If that’s not art I don’t know what is.
IRS agent: (ready to break into tears) What is this deduction for weapons?
Charlie: Dude, I’m a Vatican assassin warlock. It just stands to reason I have to have some kinds of weapons.
IRS agent: (a tear rolls down his cheek) You can’t deduct the Goddesses. You’re not married.
Charlie: How about we call that an entertainment deduction then, because when I watch those two go at it in bed together I sure am entertained… I’m even sensing that you aren’t going to allow my psychiatric deduction for the advice I got from Sean Penn, Mel Gibson, and Pete Rose.
IRS agent: First of all, those 3 guys sound like the trifecta for trouble and also, did you even pay them for this advice?
Charlie: Well, no, but I’m a very creative guy and I’m winning so, I thought I’d give it a shot.
IRS agent: I’m sorry Mr. Sheen. I’m not going to be able to allow any of these deductions.
Charlie: (angry) Okay, now you’re just being judgmental. I don’t care about the past. I’m done with it. So, I’m not going to be filing my taxes anymore. They are in the past.
And that’s what happens when crazy meets crazy. You get a whole lot of crazy.
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