Funny Quotes from Famous People - III

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Here are some more mostly funny quotes from mostly famous people:

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. –Erma Bombeck

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. –George Burns

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. –Marilyn vos Sant

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. –Zsa Zsa Gabor

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? –Phylliss Diller

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. –Emo Phillips

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. –Lily Tomlin

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. –Woody Allen

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. –Stephen King

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. –Steven Wright

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. –Warren Buffet

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. –David Letterman

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. –W. C. Fields

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. –Imelda Marcos

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. –Joe E. Lewis

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. –Paula Poundstone

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. –Fred Allen

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. –Stephen Fry

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. –Samuel Goldwyn

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. –Mitch Hedberg

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