Friday, June 17, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 06/17/11

Here are the best  jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel:

"Photos of Congressman Weiner have surfaced of him cross-dressing in college, in bra and pantyhose, proving that even back then he knew he wanted to be a Congressman." –Jay Leno

"According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. That's the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Weiner’s wife returned today from her diplomatic trip to Ethiopia. She said she got really tired of Ethiopians telling her, 'I feel so sorry for you.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Anthony Weiner has asked that everyone respect his privacy. I guess that wasn't his concern when he was texting pictures of himself." –David Letterman

"A new survey found that 87 percent of high school seniors are less than proficient in U.S. history. Not me. In fact, when I was a senior, I did a 10-page paper on my favorite president, George Jefferson." –Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out that 70 percent of guns found in Mexico actually come from the U.S. Meanwhile, 70 percent of people found in the U.S. actually come from Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

"One more vote is needed in the N.Y. State Senate to legalize gay marriage. That one vote could be the Republican Senator from Staten Island. If he’s willing to be known for the rest of his career as the Staten Island Fairy." –Jon Stewart

"President Obama said he'd be OK being a one-term President. And with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed 'send.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper says Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13-year-old son. For instance, after serving as class president, he left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit." –Conan O'Brien

"During the GOP debate, Herman Cain was asked if he likes deep dish or thin crust pizza. Then Newt Gingrich interrupted and said, 'Wait, there's pizza?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Anthony Weiner asked Bill Clinton for advice, and actually followed it for awhile. Of course eventually he was forced to tell the truth." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said regarding the economy, 'The sky is not falling.' The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner's pants are falling, but the sky is fine." –Jay Leno

"According to the latest survey on the economy, 48 percent of the people surveyed think we'll have a great depression. The other 52 percent think it will just be a pretty good depression." –Jay Leno
"One of bin Laden's wives said he was a sex machine. In fact, he was the only man who could find her jihad spot." –Jay Leno

"When asked about the Congressman Weiner scandal, President Obama said that if it were him, he'd resign. When Bill Clinton was asked about the same thing he said, 'If it was me, I wouldn't be surprised.'" –David Letterman

"The New York Daily News is reporting that Anthony Weiner's car isn't registered at the DMV. Oh man — he must be so embarrassed right now." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment centre for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress." –Jay Leno

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has announced that he's not resigning in the wake of the scandal. One thing we know about Weiner is that he knows how to stand firm." –Jay Leno

"According to the Wall Street Journal, economic experts now fear there may be a second recession. A second recession? When did the first one end?" –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore." –Jay Leno

"NASA is planning to send the first iPhones into space next month. Yeah, scientists say that if they can figure out a way to make iPhones work in outer space, they could eventually get them to work here in midtown Manhattan." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to reports, Osama bin Laden's bedroom had the only air conditioner in his compound. I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to think that he was kind of a jerk." –Jimmy Fallon

"I think Congressman Weiner should resign. Not for any political reasons, but just because I would like to see him become the next 'Bachelor.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

""According to recently released emails, Sarah Palin relied on her husband, Todd, quite frequently for policy advice. You know what they say: Behind every great woman, there's a snowmobile racer." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sasha Obama turned 10 years old yesterday. It was so cute when her mom Michelle had her blow out the candles on her birthday lettuce." –Jimmy Kimmel

"For the sixth time in a year, an air traffic controller was found asleep in the Reno Nevada airport. I have a good way to keep them awake. Make them sit in the same cramped plane chairs that we have to sit in." –Craig Ferguson

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