This week our beloved (not so much) guest columnist, Dear Crabby, is back to wreak havoc on the hearts and souls of all the darnfunnyonline readers. It not that her advice is bad, it is so bad that when you are done reading her advice it makes you not only never want to ask anybody for advice again, it makes you never even want to ask anyone a question. She is so mean that…
(Dear Crabby interrupts.) Okay, joke boy. (Also, not so much.) They get the idea, now go try and write some of that "high brow", crotch joke humor of yours while I try to salvage some goodness out of this decrepit web site.
As I’m sure I’ve said before, no one really likes her very much, but, with our budget she is as good as it gets. Try to not be too insulted by this aptly named, mean spirited, generally bad mannered…
(Dear Crabby) SHUT UP ALREADY!... Finally, now that he’s gone, I think I made him cry, by the way, let’s get to the good stuff. Here’ s the first question:
Dear Crabby:
I have an uncle who is very crude and constantly cusses around my kids. He makes off color jokes and they ask me what he means when he says these things. It’s embarrassing. He smokes and drinks and is an all around bad influence on my children. What can I do?
Worried Mommy
Dear Worried Mommy:
Job one would be introducing this hunk of man to me. I haven’t met a real man like him in a long time. I can’t wait. Besides that I don’t see the problem, other than you getting over yourself. It sounds like you are a prude so your kids are never going to learn about the birds and bees from you, so they might as well learn the ropes from your hot uncle’s jokes.
Seriously, I want to meet the guy.
Crabby
Dear Crabby:
I’m thinking of getting some tastefully done tattoos. My boyfriend doesn’t think it’s a very good idea. What do you think?
My Body’s a Canvas
Dear My Body’s a Canvas:
What do I think? I think you are a moron. Besides that, I'm pissed because you are making me agree with a man, which I don’t normally do (unless he’s a hunk like the uncle from the first letter.) If you get tattoos what do you think is going to happen when you get to be my age and your skin starts to sag all over and your tattoos look like it rained on water colors! What I think you should do is stop being so whiny and don’t write to me anymore unless you have a real question or if you have a hot uncle who smokes drinks, and swears a lot like the first writer did.
Crabby
Dear Crabby:
Now that the football strike is over my husband will be watching football all the time this fall. I was really hoping the strike would last and there would be no football this year. Any suggestions on how I get his attention during football season?
Football Widow
Dear Football Widow,
Any activity where I get to see men beat each other’s heads in is good in my book. Besides that, to get his attention get naked, the game has halftime and timeouts, what’s the problem?
Crabby
There you have it! When Dear Crabby does her advice column (aka, spews her venom) and there are no bodies as a result that is always a good thing. Until next time!
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