Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert (Leno, Letterman and Fallon are on vacation this week.)
"The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology." –Conan O'Brien
"Newt Gingrich, who came in 8th place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he's 'not dead yet.' Then he was invited on 'Dancing With the Stars,' and he said, 'OK, now I'm dead.'" –Conan O'Brien
"A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, 'I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.' In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, 'Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it's actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, 'My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.'" –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama is riding around the Midwest in a bus, because nothing inspires confidence in the American economy like a President riding around in a bus. The President should be on a jet-ski with a machine gun." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama’s new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.'" –Jon Stewart
"Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is." –Conan O'Brien
"Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il." –Conan O'Brien
"The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook." –Conan O'Brien
"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Only 39 percent of Americans approve of the job President Obama is doing. Ratings are at an all-time low, but ratings for 'Jersey Shore' are at an all-time high." –Jimmy Kimmel
"If I were president, I would just pass a law against opinion polls. Hit them at the source." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter." –Stephen Colbert
"In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex." –Stephen Colbert
"If all of Jon Huntsman’s supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the fire marshal would say, ‘yeah, that’s fine, here are some more seats.'" –Jon Stewart
"How did libertarian Ron Paul become the 13th floor in a hotel?" –Jon Stewart on the media ignoring Paul's second plash finish in the Iowa Straw Poll
President Obama is on a bus tour talking about jobs, and it was reported that his bus was made in Canada. That’s so unpatriotic. If he was a real American, that bus would be made in China. –Conan O’Brien
Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house. –Conan O’Brien
Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she’ll make that happen, she said she’ll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him. –Conan O’Brien
Ford engineers are working on technology to let your car communicate with the cars around you. The new technology is called “a horn.” –Conan O’Brien
A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it’s going to come down to who wears the most flag pins. - Jimmy Kimmel
Perry was a Democrat at one time, but only once, when he was experimenting in college. - Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He’s got that everyman quality that we can all relate to. - Jimmy Kimmel
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