Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel:
"The president signed the debt ceiling bill into law. Democrats hate it and Republicans hate it, so I guess it can't be that bad." –Conan O'Brien
"In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga." –Conan O'Brien
"Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, 'Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters.'" –Conan O'Brien
"It looks like President Obama will turn 50 years old on Thursday. Today Congress agreed to raise his age ceiling...so he will be 50." –Jay Leno
"To give you an idea how bad our credit is, I'll just say that if Obama asked China for another loan he has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign." –Jay Leno
"After the vote, Senator Chuck Schumer of New York said, "It's time for jobs to move to the front burner?" Notice that the only time these guys ever worry about our jobs is when they're about to lose theirs jobs." –Jay Leno
"Here's an amazing fact: Apple has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. Is that really amazing? Wesley Snipes has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. We're broke!" –Jay Leno
"July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity." –Jay Leno
"A new report has found that adults in Washington D.C. are among the top users of cocaine in the country. Hence the name 'District of Columbia.'" –Jay Leno
"That's what the study said. The study found that Washington D.C. residents were the top abusers of alcohol, cocaine, and marijuana. All this time we thought the problem was government waste. Nope – the government is wasted." –Jay Leno
"They say we avoided economic disaster. So now we're $16 trillion in debt. That's not 'economic disaster?'" –David Letterman
"Why would we celebrate Arbor Day as a national holiday, and not Shark Week? I'll start caring about trees when trees start biting sea lions in half." –Jimmy Kimmel
"A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria's Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. 'Why don't you slip into something a little more con carni?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. Or as most people put it, 'You know what, I'll just take the groping.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?" –Jay Leno
"It's what they call a 'two-step' deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class." –Jay Leno
"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" –Jay Leno
"Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull." –David Letterman
"The debt deal sets the debt limit until 2013. The best part is that it prevents another 'Smurfs' movie before 2014." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama says that for his birthday, he wants a deal on the national debt. In other news, Michelle Obama is at the Apple store trying to buy a $4 trillion iTunes gift card." –Conan O'Brien
"Oprah Winfrey announced plans to return to television with a new show. That's how bad things are in this country – even Oprah has run out of money." –Conan O'Brien
"We finally have a deal on the debt ceiling. But get this – Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver is referring to the plan as a 'sugar-coated Satan sandwich.' Or as Americans put it, 'Sugar-coated? Yum – I'll take six, please!'' –Jimmy Fallon
"McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"An ex-Louisiana governor just married a woman 51 years younger. Or as Hugh Hefner put it, 'Does she have a daughter?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"If the Senate approves the debt deal, President Obama will sign it into law by the end of the day. All it took was the threat of financial Armageddon to get both sides working together." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Democrats say they didn’t lie down. They say they were planking." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. The best part about having an illegitimate kid is an extra birthday present this year." –Jimmy Kimmel
They say 50 is the new 30 — not in age, in money: $50 is now worth about $30. –Jay Leno
President Obama signed the new debt bill into law. But it doesn't really solve the problem. Economists say in 10 years, the deficit will be $27 trillion. But you know what? In 10 years, that’ll be president Bieber's problem. –Jay Leno
The Cheesecake Factory is now offering a new low calorie “skinnylicious” menu. That’s what they call it, “skinnylicious.” As opposed to their old menu, which was “fatastic.” –Jay Leno
A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term. –Conan O’Brien
The woman who attempted to rob Alex Trebek’s hotel room may face 25 years in prison. Even worse, while she’s waiting for the judge’s decision, they’ll make her listen to the music from “Jeopardy.” –Conan O’Brien
The Garmin company is offering a new GPS device that has the voice of Yoda. Maybe it’s just me but if I’m getting turn-by-turn directions, do I really want to hear them from someone that speaks backwards? –Conan O’Brien
While eating at a burger place , President Obama gave a free milkshake to an 11-year-old boy. Not to be nice, he just wanted to get rid of it because he saw Michelle coming. –Jimmy Fallon
A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade. –Jimmy Fallon
A new study says that swearing doesn’t make you feel better, but you know who disagrees with that? Anyone that has ever stubbed their toe. –Jimmy Fallon
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