Here are some of David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:
Top Ten Ways Regis Philbin Celebrated His 80th Birthday
10 Spent a quiet day at home annoying his loved ones
9 Wandered streets in his bathrobe
8 Returned birthday gifts for cash
7 Dozed off in his cake
6 “Private” celebration with joy in their jungle-themed bedroom
5 Waved at traffic
4 Kelly surprised him with an ambush makeover
3 Pool party with his goddesses
2 3:00 p.m. dinner with Rickles
1 Posted anti-Dave rant on al-Qaida website
Top Ten Signs Moammar Gadhafi Is Hiding in Your Neighborhood
10 You say “Good morning, neighbor.” You hear, “Good morning, Zionist pig”
9 Ayman al-Zawahiri knocks on your door and says, “Whoops, wrong house”
8 Someone keeps forgetting to clean up after his camel
7 Guy introduces himself as “Carl,” but spells it with a Q
6 High school soccer games now begin with Libyan national anthem
5 Every shopping plaza within a 10-mile radius is out of enormous sunglasses
4 Navy SEALs requested permission to turn your kid’s tree house into a sniper’s nest
3 Monday: quiet; Tuesday: quiet; Wednesday: mobs of gun-toting Libyan rebels; Thursday: quiet
2 Neighbor keeps parking his tank on your Prius
1 In background of his latest video message, you see you
Top Ten Things Overheard During The East Coast Earthquake
10 “That was the scariest two seconds of my life!”
9 “It’s lootin’ time”
8 “Hey, you forgot your champagne”
7 “5.9 earthquake, it would have been a 6.2 if it had a better lead-in”
6 “These new Taco Bell chalupas are rockin’ my world”
5 “My hiccups are gone”
4 “Wheeeeee”
3 “Call FEMEMA, the Federal Extremely Minor Emergency Management Agency”
2 “Darn, right in the middle of laser eye surgery”
1 “Kirstie, stop with the jumping jacks!”
Top Ten Thought’s That Went Through Letterman’s Mind After Hearing About the Threat
10 “Someone wants to silence me? Get in line”
9 “Nothing says summer like a death threat”
8 “Why is the staff in such a good mood?”
7 “Save me, Oprah”
6 “Should I wear my Kevlar hairpiece?”
5 “And here I thought nobody watched the show”
4 “How can someone be so angry at a time when Kim Kardashian is so happy?”
3 “Some people get Emmy nominations, some people get death threats”
2 “This seems like Leno’s handiwork”
1“Oh my God! They canceled ‘The George Lopez Show’”
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