Here are some short funny quotes from a variety of people:
If you make an ass out of yourself, there will always be someone to ride you
Bruce Lee
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
Einstein
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde
I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde
I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.
Dolly Parton
I modeled my looks on the town tramp.
Dolly Parton
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives they must live”
Charles Bukowski
“It's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well.”
Charles Bukowski
I'll beat him so bad he'll need a shoehorn to put his hat on.
Muhammad Ali
If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.
Muhammad Ali
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali
My toughest fight was with my first wife.
Muhammad Ali
Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.
Dave Letterman
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.
When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Tim Allen
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!
Drew Carey
A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
Steve Martin
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Anonymous
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Anonymous
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Anonymous
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