Friday, July 8, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 07/08/11

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

"Vice President Joe Biden has a new Twitter account. He said he will not rest until he can embarrass the president on every media platform ever invented." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we'd all be speaking English today." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot in California today that Arnold Schwarzenegger's clothes were out on the lawn setting themselves on fire." –Jay Leno

"Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama's economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America." –Jay Leno

"I think the jury from the O.J. Simpson trial retired and moved to Florida." –Jay Leno

A woman in Mexico was arrested after she tried sneak her husband out of prison inside her suitcase after a conjugal visit. Or as southwest calls it: the next big thing in air travel. –Jay Leno

At Coney Island, they had the annual hot dog eating contest and in keeping with tradition, the winner was a loser. –Jay Leno

Joey Chestnut won the hot dog eating contest on July 4th. He ate 62 hot dogs in 10 minutes. They gave him a championship belt. A belt? Is that what you give a guy who ate 62 hot dogs in 10 minutes? How about a new pair of pants? –Jay Leno

Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we’d all be speaking English today. –Jay Leno

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email. –Craig Ferguson

I’ve never understood why they call junk mail “spam,” because spam is delicious and junk mail is annoying. But you can still find both under my couch. –Craig Ferguson

I’m hooked on email. That’s right, kids, I’m one of you. –Craig Ferguson

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. –Craig Ferguson

California officials say that the census failed to count over a million residents of the state? How did Schwarzenegger manage to cover up all those children? –Conan O’Brien

North Korea has shut down all of its universities for 10 months so students can work in factories. Or, as they call it in North Korea, “spring break.” –Conan O’Brien

Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation. –Conan O’Brien

A lot of people are taking time off for the holidays. For instance, Rod Blagojevich is going away for a while. –David Letterman

Blagojevich could do 300 years — unless he’s pardoned by Oprah. –David Letterman

We’re celebrating our independence from the British. I hope that in a couple years, we’ll be able to celebrate our independence from the Chinese. –David Letterman

Anthony Weiner is no longer a congressman, but he wants to pick his replacement. That would be a great endorsement. –David Letterman

Glenn Beck gave his last show. After Oprah and Beck, the only emotional woman on TV is me. –Craig Ferguson

Supposedly, they let Beck go because he alienated the sponsors. I would never do that. In fact, I hang out on the weekend with the ShamWow guy. –Craig Ferguson

They’ve found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you’re eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns. –Craig Ferguson

The royal couple will be visiting eight major cities during their nine days in Canada. That’s amazing to me. Canada has eight major cities? –Craig Ferguson

All of the good fireworks are illegal in California. Michael Bay can blow up the whole city but I can’t find a single bottle rocket. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Senate canceled their vacation to work on the budget. Either they really can’t agree or they’re looking for an excuse to not go on vacation with their families. –Jimmy Kimmel

I didn’t pay much attention to history when I was in school. I try to put it all in the past. –Jimmy Kimmel

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