Friday, July 1, 2011

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week - 07/01/11

Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians (some of whom are on vacation this week) including Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman and Stephen Colbert:

"Anthony Weiner is reportedly involved in choosing his successor. The first question he asked his potential replacements is, 'What's the difference between 'reply' and 'reply all?'' –Conan O'Brien

"A senior al-Qaida leader was arrested in Afghanistan and he was disguised as a woman. Police became suspicious after he was seen stoning himself." –Conan O'Brien

"Rod Blagojevich was charged with corruption — and unlawful imprisonment of a badger. Have you seen his hair?" –David Letterman

"Blagojevich said he was stunned by the verdict. Apparently, he wasn't paying attention during the trial." –David Letterman

“It is no secret that our economy is in the dumpster, because our economy knows the dumpster is where you can sometimes find old muffins.” –Stephen Colbert

"Michele Bachmann said her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa, is the birthplace of John Wayne, when it is actually the birthplace of serial killer John Wayne Gacy. She then said her favorite sitcom from the 80s is 'Charles Manson in Charge.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Newt Gingrich says he does not support gay marriage. He says marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives." –Conan O'Brien

"Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of trying to sell President Obama's Senate seat. As the verdict was read, Blagojevich's face remained expressionless while his hair remained ridiculous." –Conan O'Brien

"New York Gov. Cuomo legalized gay marriage. I think it's great for everybody — especially divorce lawyers." –David Letterman

"Anthony Weiner is back in the private sector now. When he was a congressman from New York, I think it was his private sector that got him in trouble." –David Letterman

"During the trial, Blagojevich got himself in trouble for texting photos of his hair." –David Letterman

"Anthony Weiner was photographed this weekend dining with his wife and texting from his cell phone. Maybe he should put the phone away for a few years." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rod Blagojevich was convicted of extortion, wire fraud, bribery, and criminal abuse of styling mousse." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some of the counts Blagojevich was convicted of carry 10- to 20-year sentences, so he could be facing up to 300 years in prison. That's a long time, even for a leprechaun." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Whitey Bulger's brother was a politician. So one brother was operating in a world with no morals, dealing with the lowest of the low, and the other one was a mobster." –Craig Ferguson

‎"Finally, New York state's gay and lesbian community are free from the burden that was having to set foot in Connecticut in order to get married." –Jon Stewart

Sarah and Bristol Palin made an appearance at a book store. Apparently, it was “Bring Your Daughter to a Place You Never Go Day.” –Conan O’Brien

Lindsay Lohan had her house arrest bracelet removed. Then, when no one was looking, she slipped the bracelet into her pocket. –Conan O’Brien

Newt Gingrich is entering the hotdog-eating contest at Coney Island. He hopes to win because he needs the money to pay his Tiffany’s bill. –David Letterman

The Pope is now on Twitter. The church is really trying to connect with young people — in a way that doesn’t involve hush money. –David Letterman

Apparently, a pipe with marijuana in it was found buried in Shakespeare’s garden. That’s amazing. Shakespeare had a garden? –Craig Ferguson

If they dig up Shakespeare and he’s buried in a tie-dye shirt with a pint of Chunky Monkey, we’ll know it’s true. –Craig Ferguson

If Shakespeare knew this was going on, he’d be rolling in his grave — rolling a huge joint. –Craig Ferguson

The 4th of July is the day we celebrate our independence from Simon Cowell. –Jimmy Kimmel

Experts say that because of higher gas prices, fewer families will travel this weekend. That’s a shame. I can’t imagine growing up without an 18-hour ride through the desert with my father who’s too cheap to turn the air conditioning on. –Jimmy Kimmel

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