Here are David Letterman's top ten lists from last week:
Top Ten Things Never Before Said by a Superhero
10 "Screw the superhero costume, I'm fighting crime in my pajama jeans"
9 "I got $400 worth of groceries for just eight bucks thanks to extreme couponing"
8 "You know, I originally wanted to be an event planner"
7 "Someone broke into Letterman's theater? I'm on my way!"
6 "Aquaman and I are moving to New York to get married"
5 "I'm Steve Rogers. Perhaps you know my brother Kenny"
4 "In a few years, Captain America will be known as Captain China, am I right, folks?"
3 "My weakness? Sara Lee cheesecake bites"
2 "One ticket for 'Zookeeper,' please"
1 "I really, really like the tights"
Top Ten Signs the United States Is Running Out of Money
10 For $10,000, you get your face on the dollar
9 The White House now has a two-drink minimum
8 There's a listing on eBay for North Dakota
7 Barack Obama sold his Nobel Prize to "Cash4Gold"
6 Americans now attempting to sneak into Mexico
5 Renting Biden's house to backpacking German tourists
4 Costs $25 for each bag the president wants to check on Air Force One
3 John Boehner getting paid in beach bum tanning gift cards
2 Country is moving in with England until we get back on our feet
1 Applied for a $40 billion loan from Oprah
Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad All-Star Game
10 It's being telecast on C-SPAN3
9 Biggest name is esteemed umpire Bruce Dreckman
8 During the 7th inning stretch, the players are locked out
7 It's the National League vs. the American Broadcasting Company
6 Each team required to start at least three Kardashians
5 Every player who fields a ball yells, "Yeow!"
4 No matter how much alcohol you consume, it doesn't get any better
3 By the third inning, 95 percent of the players have been deported (it's Arizona, people)
2 It's a brisk seven hours
1 Due to the extreme heat, Bud Selig is nude
Top Ten Excuses of the Guy Who Broke Into the Ed Sullivan Theater
10 "When did Stupid Human Tricks become illegal?"
9 "It was on my list of places to ransack before I die"
8 "Thought the place was abandoned"
7 "Wanted to meet Ed Sullivan"
6 "Didn't feel like walking 14 blocks to vandalize Regis' studio"
5 "Doing my best to boost the struggling glass repair industry"
4 "Had an allergic reaction to Four Loko"
3 "Always dreamed of being the subject of a lame Top Ten list"
2 "I thought it was another 'Fire Dave' rally"
1 "Have you seen the show?"
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