Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:
"Bachmann says she wants to end things that are 'vulgar and a detriment to society.' She's talking about me, right?" –David Letterman
"It's 95 and miserable today, like Rupert Murdoch. I think you folks should know the air conditioning is hooked up to the applause sign." –David Letterman
"Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to 'pray away the gay.' They want gay guys to think outside the bun." –Jay Leno
"It was so hot in the United Kingdom that Rupert Murdoch was hacking into the phone calls of Eskimos." –Jay Leno
"The royal couple has left Los Angeles after a short visit. It's the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left." –Jay Leno
"The FBI is investigating after a stun gun was found on a flight to Newark, New Jersey. They think a passenger planned to use the stun gun on himself when he realized he was on a flight to Newark, New Jersey." –Jay Leno
"Hitler's birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment." –Jay Leno
"A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California. Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: 'North Mexico.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"While criticizing President Obama over debt talks, John Boehner said quote, 'It takes two to tango.' Then Biden was like, 'Sure, but it only takes one to break dance.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today he's going back to the thing he does best. No, not that thing; the other thing. He's going to star in a new Western. I think it's called 'Butch Cassiday and the Illegitimate Kid.' 'Somebody has to clean up this town. Who's going to clean it up? Where's the maid?'" –Craig Ferguson
"We're three weeks from having to park our car down the street so China can't find it, and Congress is refighting fluorescent v. incandescent light bulbs." –Jon Stewart
"Republicans are job creationists. We know the rich create jobs. Democrats believe that jobs just EVOLVE from millions of years of stimulus packages." –Daily Show senior debt correspondent Wyatt Cenac
"The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt." –Jay Leno
"President Obama's staff got raises of 8 percent, more than double the average for regular Americans, which is 3 percent. But to be fair, many of them will be unemployed next November." –Jay Leno
"A right-wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Isn't that the marriage pledge?" –Jay Leno
"The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty's kneecaps." –Jimmy Fallon
"On Friday, a woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce. When they did the sonogram, the doctor was like, 'I'm not sure if it's a boy or a girl, but it's definitely an American.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Eliot Spitzer's show on CNN was canceled. So you wonder, how will the guy kill an hour?" –David Letterman
"In the media business, being evil isn't always a bad thing (referring to Robert Murdoch). There's also the lovable kind of evil that we have here at CBS. " –Craig Ferguson
"One of Murdoch's tabloids was hacking people's phones and listening to their voicemails. Victims said their iPhones were so messed up that they were actually working." –Craig Ferguson
"Murdoch shut down News of the World, which was almost 160 years old. It's always sad when something that old comes to an end. It was like the last episode of 'Larry King Live.'" –Craig Ferguson
A report says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: last year they were worth $5 million. –Jay Leno
We're getting closer and closer to the country going into default. We could be out of money by August 2. How many people are surprised we still have enough money to make it until August 2? –Jay Leno
President Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to take what little money we have left and buy lottery tickets. –Jay Leno
It’s so hot that instead of tapping phones, Rupert Murdoch has been tapping kegs. –David Letterman
They’re going to announce the Emmy Awards for television honors. It’s a nice feeling to be ignored by your peers. –David Letterman
Congress is pledging to work around the clock until they’re absolutely certain they will get nothing done. –David Letterman
The world’s steepest roller coaster opened in Japan. It goes 80 mph and flips upside down seven times. It’s like carpooling with Mel Gibson. –Craig Ferguson
There’s talk that Lindsay Lohan’s mother, Dina, will be on the next season of “Dancing With the Stars.” Which explains the show’s new title, “Dancing With the Non-star Parents of Former Stars.” –Jimmy Fallon
Saks Fifth Avenue is planning to open a new store next year in Kazakhstan. Or as it will be called there, “Saks Dirt Road.” –Jimmy Fallon
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